


A Shared Hallucination.

by leeizzy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: 18!Poe, Angst, Ben is about to be 16, Betray/Revenge, Bond Dream, Cliche Cheesiness, DarkPilot, Drinking, Drug Use, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love/Hate, M/M, Not entirely Underage-sex, Recovered Memories, Run/Chase, Slow Burn, Some Fluff, Unrequited Finn/Nines, happy ending i swear, top!poe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:35:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeizzy/pseuds/leeizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They say reality is a shared hallucination." If it's true, Poe Dameron won't mind or care  because he shares his world with one true lover. No matter what happenned or will happen, no matter what they did, who they are or how much they are hurt, they always come back to each other. Their past might not be remembered, but their future is certainly tied. This is a story of him learning all about it.</p><p>Honestly I don't know how to sum this up but basically it's my twisted explanation of how things go and why the characters do what they do in TFA, and things after that. I may delay this, or change things depend on what will happen in the last 2 episodes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Morning Lesson

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really not sure about the rating. This might not be that Explicit. Also my English is bad, so I can't update regularly but I'll try to say no to cliffhanger and laziness.

     Poe wakes up by the feeling of sunlight warm on his skin. Most of the times, he loves it. It’s just like flying in an X-wing. But this time, it feels like a crash. What a better way to celebrate graduation than partying all night and a hangover from hell! Poe’s mouth is dry, head keeps spinning and it hurts like shit. But it’s nothing compare to his body, especially his hip, his back. And he can tell there’s something going on with his skin too. Poe just hopes it’s something he can hide with clothes. He doesn’t want to make his crush worry. Keeping his eyes seal tight, Poe groans and tries to hide from the light that making him tear up miserably. From the spiky taste of something mixed with alcohol, Poe’s mind starts wandering.

 _Is it weird to have a crush on your childhood sweetheart, your best friend, who is also two year old younger than you, and thinking about it every morning_? It could probably just the eighteen-him going through a puppy-love but Poe can’t help it. He doesn’t know how long he has gone with it. Honestly he doesn’t know when it started. Until it comes more and more often. He should do something about it now before ending up like the frog in that slow-burn experiment. And losing the only best friend he has ever had, yeah, he got it. But until that, can he have just a little bit… More? Can he have those brief moments of fake innocence, those he has been trying to last?

     Some unnecessary-long tight hugs, with his hands travelling up and then down, unnecessary low, with his head tilt a little, to breathe in that familiar teasing scent, feel the waves of hair soft and gentle on his cheek. Some kisses, just a little bit wet, faintly on the soft corners of the mouth, makes him half smirk naughtily because of the shade of pink appears on those cheeks. Some excuses for coming a little bit too close, eyes open to take in the combination of deep brown and striking green to amber, hide behind long curly lashes. It feels like those are never enough, nothing rather than some kinds of drug, keeping him drowned in a perfect vivid hallucination of his love in front of his eyes.

 _Ben_.

     Ben is real in his arms, eyes half-lidded, tiredly looking at him. So close he can feel everything. So much that makes his heart pumping like crazy. Hot skin against his chest, sweat sticky on his belly, pulse beats steadily in his tight gripping hand, his right leg is between Ben’s bare thighs. Poe chokes, he feels sick. He shoves Ben away as quickly as he can, tries to gasp for air then fill his lungs with nothing but this musk. He hears Ben shrieks, from shock and pain.

     “God! I’m sorry Ben. Are… Are you ok?”

     Poe stutters. He tries to gather himself together and crawls towards as Ben propped up on his elbows, reaches out for clothes then silently sits down on the edge of the bed. He’s naked. They are both naked.

     “I didn’t mean it Ben… I… Are you…?” – Poe isn’t sure what to say. He wants to get closer but doesn’t know if he’s even allowed to. Should he speak? Can he touch him, just a little bit…? He looks at his best friend. Waves of dampened messy hair hide most of Ben’s face. His head bows down, shows the neck with bruises, and scratches are scattered all across his body.

     “What happened Ben?”

     Ben pauses for a second. – “Nothing.” _It’s a lie_ … He continues putting on a shirt. It was torn down so low that shows most of his broad chest. “Stay if you must. We’ll talk later.” Ben says as he slowly walks into the bathroom.

     Poe watches him disappear behind closed door. Sunlight is spilling in, shows him the familiar scene of a one-night stand he has been in so many times he could remember. Only this time, he is really in pain. _This cannot be happening._ It just can’t be… His first time was two years ago, and he was the first time for quite a number of people. Honestly, he had become quite good at it, being someone’s first time. Poe just can never imagine waking up in a situation like this. Naked and ached. In his best friend’s bedroom.

     Poe sits there for quite a long time, tries to make some kind of sense out of this mess. Tracing fingers to his neck, feel the mark and those long red lines run across his shoulders, he stares blankly at all the unusual things appear on his skin, and then close his eyes like a gutted dog when he finds out a teeth mark sank deep on his forearm. Poe lets the sound of water rushing down in the shower wake his dizzy mind to soberness. He knows what happened. He can tell. Cause you don’t have to be a genius to figure out what is going on. Poe has slept with Ben, with no gentleness, no lubrication, no caring and nothing needed for the first time ever, not even a condom. This is his fault. And now he is sucking the teeth mark, trying to last, to savour his best friend’s taste in his mouth like a fucking hungry animal. He became the one who let his high-and-drunk self raped Ben. His young and innocent Ben. Who is not even sixteen yet.

_Oh my God, what have I done!_

*******

 

 _The state of mind controls time in a way no one can believe it’s possible. Like the moment when you think it stops to prolong your suffering._ So, this must be what that infamous shame feels like. So ached that he can’t stand. So much pain that he can’t walk straight. And so much regret that makes his head bow down, that makes him being shoved down from his own bed, naked on the hard floor, like a gutted fish. Ben is standing in the shower, he doesn’t know what should be done after… something like this. _Hot or cold water?_ He is shaking like shit despite the hot water is searing on his pale skin. _What’s that smell?_ Should he use soap? Ben is just too exhausted. He slowly drops to his knees, rests his face against the wall, tries his best not to look at the fluid running down on his thighs. Semen and blood spill to the floor then quickly disappear without any traces, like something never happened.

      Ben is not breathing normal. He gasps for air and chokes in the boiling hot water. His throat tightens and he feels like fire burning in his lungs. But he doesn’t turn off the shower because he has to ignore ‘it’. He cannot let himself know he is crying. He has to swallow down his weakness, his fucking sob, his feelings of pain and betrayal. Because this is all his fault.

     He did it again. He messed with someone’s head, his best friend’s mind. Poe said he doesn’t mind Ben being in his head but Ben should have never tapped in. He is just too arrogant to admit that he knows nothing about the Force. He must have fucked up something. That’s why Poe did it. That’s why Poe doesn’t remember, being so confused and pushed him like that. And now they are in this mess because of him. He had it coming. He knew all along and he didn’t stop it. He fucking deserves this.

     Ben has stood in here for so long, scared and panicked because water can’t wash clean this overwhelming scent. He can’t scrub off these marks on his skin. He can’t make all the traces of what happened disappear for one bit. _It’s not working._ He has to bury all of it, hide everything. Lie to Poe. Tell him nothing happened, that they… didn’t do anything, make up a story, a good one. Poe trusts him, he will believe his story. And then they can go back to normal, like they used to be. Right? It’s the only solution. He doesn’t have a choice. He has to do it. Otherwise he will lose Poe. What should he do now? How can he…

     “Ben?” – It’s Poe. He’s knocking on the door.

     “Ben, can we… talk?”

_No. Do something. Quick._

     “I’m… tired, Poe.”- Showing all the calm he can manage, Ben tries his best to stop shaking. He need more time. - “I need rest.”

     “… Ok, then… I’ll… see you later Ben.”

     “Ok.” _Please go_ … He’s not ready yet. Ben freezes in the shower, waits for the silence to last longer, so he can be sure…

     “I’m sorry Ben. Please don’t… I’ll wait for you, ok?”

_Stop saying my name._

     “Don’t hide from me Ben…”

     The sound of closing door quickly drowns in the solitude. _God, please give me strength_. Ben covers his mouth with both hands, to not let out the shameful sob in his throat. Steam curls up around him so gentle, makes his vision blurry, leaving him no escape.

     He has to fix this quick.


	2. The Unexpected Lesson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing about sex is hard. And I think I'm about to hit a deadend.

_Ok. You can do this. Get it over with already._

Poe pours in shot after shot at 3:00pm in the afternoon like his life depends on it. Not because he’s enjoying this. Most of the times he does, it’s just not now. He gotta meet Ben soon. He’s the one who asked for it and he can’t be the one who swallow his sayings. As soon as he finished this line, he can go to Ben. Shut his eyes sealed tight, Poe lets Jessica feed him the ‘fun-pill’ with her own lips, then finishes his last shot in the cheering of friends like madness. Alcohol sears down his throat and swirls up dizzily to his brain. He feels much more… something, full of strength and optimism. He wants to see Ben so bad.

 

Poe doesn’t remember how he got here that fast in this stage. After that amount of alcohol, he surprises he can even walk and be this much sober. Poe knocks on the door, using his most casual manner. He doesn’t know why he’s fixing his messy hair, straightening his leather jacket.

“Hi.” – Ben appears in front of him. His smile is soft like normal. It makes Poe’s stomach full of butterflies and frogs.

“Hey.” – He’s… nervous? – “Where’s Han and Leia?”

“They ran into some problems. I’m alone ‘til weekend Poe.” – Ben answers as they going upstairs. – “I thought you’re busy today.”

“Yeah! I, uh, finished it up quick…” – He titters. – “Besides, I said I wanna talk so…”

They stop outside Ben’s room. He looks at Poe for a bit, then opens the door to let him in. Poe looks around, takes in the familiarity from the sight. Things haven’t changed. And Ben hasn’t bothered to unpack.

“Poe?” – Ben’s voice is so gentle. He stands at the door, hesitates to walk into his own bedroom now. – “You know you don’t have to do this, right? You’re still my best friend and…”

 _Oh gosh!_ He knew it. He has to stop this already. Poe walks up to Ben, puts his arm around his shoulder for an innocent, necessary gentle hug.

“Hey, stop that! I’m the one who asked for it, remember?” – Looks into his eyes, Poe can tell Ben is feeling guilty. – “I’m older that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you and shit, ok? And I totally think that we should talk, and hangout more, like we used to do.”

“I’m sorry, Poe.”

“Don’t be.” – Poe closes the door and pulls them down onto the bed. He’s being a little… too adventurous for his own good there. – “So… how’s your training, Ben?”

It’s just like they used to be. Talking, listening to each others, and then laugh. Ben’s laughter is shy and gentle. Poe just rolls around, finds excuses to be close, to touch Ben’s arm, sometimes to put his head on Ben’s shoulder, pretends like he’s being tipsy and silly with a flask. They don’t have to close the door but somehow Poe feels like he wants to. Outside the house, it’s getting dark.

 

“Hey… Can I have some?”

The deep silky voice cuts through the silence, Poe feels like he is being woke up from a dream. He gazes at Ben, so young and innocent. Pale skin dotted with freckles, looks so sweet under smooth and bright light of full moon. Poe slightly chuckles under his breath.

 “Jesus, Ben… I’m being such a bad influence for you, do you know that?” – He says, hands over the flask, and watches as Ben’s lips wrapping around the small circle, the thing Poe has kissed for so many times with one wild fantasy. He drank a lot already. How is he even having it?

“Go easy kid. And don’t tell anyone, ok? I mean I’m still gonna take responsibility if something happens but…”

“I’m not that bad, Poe. I drank once before.”

Poe lifts his head up. He gazes at him. - “Yeah… I wouldn’t be so sure about this one, Ben.”

“It’s sweet though. The wine.”

“… I know.” – He says, taking the flask back from the younger boy’s hand. Poe licks around the rim, bottoms up to drink in one last sip and lets some of the amber liquid drip down his chin, before flinging the flask out the window. He hasn’t broke eye contact. His look keeps fixing at Ben.

“What was that about?” – … He doesn’t know. Ben seems confused, and lightly amused. Poe starts flashing a grin all teeth like a stupid wolf.

“Dark rum with poppy buds.”

“I wasn’t asking about the wine.”

“Hah. Don’t worry, Ben. They juiced out the opium. It won’t be bad… Much.” – Poe hears himself purring low in his throat. _It has started kicking in._

“I didn’t drink that much. You’re not… clearheaded, Poe.”

“Oh… I wouldn’t be so sure about that one, Ben.”

Crawling in close, Poe looks at those ears, neck, chest, hands and face. His best friend is turning red, as the heat looming in Poe’s own belly. It’s kinda… unusual, from his past experience with the rum. It’s hitting Ben now, and he’s… scared. Poe can tell. Ben is doing the silent giggle, wet eyes glistened under a slight frown, lips part, mouth opens, gasping, trying to make it stop. _He doesn’t like being ridiculous_. Poe chuckles and he leans down, rests his forehead against Ben’s temple. He gently grasps the long slender neck, caressing hot skin, twirling the padawan braid between his fingers. Ben is getting closer too. Their pulses are beating like hearts on drug. They just giggle like flying high.

“If I laugh out loud… will it stop?”

“… I don’t know, kid. I haven’t tried.”

Poe parts, he looks into Ben’s eyes then down to his red lips, tongue teases cute white teeth. He watches it, heat coiling deep down his thighs then up to his brain, making him giddy. He lets out a small, steady sigh, lets it brush against Ben’s mouth. The younger boy faintly licks the wet inner part of his lips then tightens them gently. _Ben just frowned. He is feeling hot._ Poe gets the urge to make him cool down and comfortable. Or maybe to feel the heat burns in his flushed hand? It doesn’t matter. Ben closes his eyes, when Poe’s hand travels down under his shirt, finding more skin.

“Do you want ‘it’ to stop?”

Ben softens. - “You’re drunk, Poe.”

“… Maybe.”

An attractive force slowly pulls him closer to Ben. _This is too close_. He can feel his lips brushing Ben’s like feathers in the air. The musky scent floods him in waves synchronized to the rhythm of pulse beats _. It’s so hot_. He is suffocated. He has to do something.

With the hand under Ben’s shirt, Poe grips his shoulder to pulls him down, hard. “Ah!” He hears Ben make the surprise sound, and a loud thud as his back drops. Poe turns and hops up onto the bed, pinning Ben with his body. He didn’t have control for long before Ben fights loose one hand from his grip, snakes it over and under his arm then up to take his neck. Ben coordinates his legs and hips to turn Poe over without getting him hurt. He sits on top of Poe, just using that one arm to keep him locked, the other gently pressing down his chest with enough force to prevent him from rising up again.

“Don’t do that.”

Poe smirks.

“I could have broken your arm.” – Ben provokes, but it just sound so tender that makes Poe want more. He’s just too innocent. He can’t hurt him.

A night wind gently shifts the curtain, reminds Poe how hot he feels right now. He can feel the figure on top of him slightly shifts, lean arms and broad chest. _He has grown up._ His Ben is becoming more and more like a warrior. Somehow, it makes Poe panic. His heart is out of the steady pace. He has to… gain control. Right at the moment he feels Ben is parting away, Poe reaches up to grasps his nape, pulls him down and crushes their lips together.

Ben lets go of his arm. He is pushing away. Because of the… suddenness. And he’s trying not to crash down onto Poe. Propped up with one arm, Poe tries to force their bodies closer, feels Ben’s hand clinging to his jacket. Poe strips it down and breaks the kiss for a few second to take off his shirt, before continuing right instantly and flips Ben over, down on his back.

Ben hasn’t kissed anyone before. Poe can tell by the awkwardness in his lips’ movement, screaming the uncertainty of whether he should be moving or not. Or what to do in general. Poe admits he is slightly aroused at the thought. He grinds down hard, just enough to make Ben feel a little bit of pain. His hand presses lightly at the jaw line to guide him letting out that whimper. As soon as he can feel it, Poe expertly parts Ben’s lips open, licks his way into Ben’s mouth. Ben is shocked at the invasion. But soon he adapts, letting him in, hands grip his shoulders, pulling him down to kiss him back. Poe sucks his lips hard ‘til they’re swollen. He lets the taste, the scent, the whining sound swirls deep into his mind, before he separates, to let Ben take a breath.

They pant, eyes darkened with lust, pupils dilate as adrenaline rushing in. Poe licks the thin silvery line of saliva shining on Ben’s bottom lip, savours the tingly sensation before coming back in deeper with more hunger. He feels like he could go on like this forever, sucking air out through Ben’s lips. Poe opens Ben’s arms to both sides of his head, traces his hands down to feel the collar bones. The fabric is blocking him. He wants to lift Ben up, to strip it away but he doesn’t want them to part any more. Poe grips the collar, tries to pull it up and then tries to tug his hand down under. It is not helping. _Goddamn it!_ Frustration makes his mind spin so fast. The heat explodes as he gives up, spends all his remained breath to tear it away. Poe gasps and gulps down the air burning his dry throat. He needs to slow down if he wants to last. Ben looks at him like a deer in the headlights. Poe is coming near the verge. 

 “Sorry about that.” – Poe manages a forced smile, he sits up straight and glances down Ben. His shirt was ripped, exposes the toned chest and flushed skin dotted with scratches and bruises, teasing him. – “You look better without it though.”

They don’t move for a few seconds. Poe swallows down another breath then tries to relax his heart rate. He can feel blood is slamming in his veins, and Ben’s pulse is luring him in rapid beats. _That whole deep inhale-exhale thing doesn’t do shit._ Poe is not calming down at all.

“Fuck!” – Poe bends down when he notices his hardness. The weird pressure in his entire body keeps urging him doing something. His more and more clouded mind can’t make up anything right now. _Why is it getting so hot?_ Poe feels exhausted but so pumped at the same time. He tries to lean down with tenderness then nearly exploded with anger because Ben pushes him back immediately. Every bits of sanity in him evaporate when he sees Ben sits up, clumsily taking his shirt off, toss it aside. Poe comes in all claws and teeth like an animal, sucking, biting, leaving claimed marks. Everything just goes worse when he realizes how far he has gone. Ben is responding… They have both been consumed by this.

 

The night is so silent. All he can hear is dirty moans and whimpers, and those sounds of flesh on flesh. Like the whole universe is just him and Ben now. Everything else blurs away, disappears to the background of his head.

“Poe.”

Ben is calling his name. He is begging him. He is… terrified. Poe is rolling in deep while face burying in the curve of his neck, sucking and biting. He should let Ben be on top first, to control his own pace. Ben needs more time or he will get hurt.

“Someone’s at the gate, Poe.”

 _Fuck!_ – “… Leave it.”

Ben is tense in his arm. He’s fighting to get loose. The thought of losing him now sends rage spear through Poe’s head.

“Let go of me Poe.”

 “Don’t answer it.” - He growls low like a lion being pokes. He’s losing control.

Before he can notice, Poe has already covered Ben’s mouth with his hand. _You’re going too fast. Calm the fuck down!_ Ben becomes more panicking as he hears somebody calling his parents names. _Ackbar. That stupid fish!_ Poe tightens his grip, forces Ben to swallow down every mumbles he’s making. He starts clawing at Poe like crazy. _Stop that! You’re hurting him!_ Ben arches up, his body moves in a confusing way. Poe’s mind was split in half as he tries to figure out whether Ben is pulling away or pushing him in deep. Either of them is sending him insane. Free fingertips sunken down so hard, Poe keeps those long legs wrapped around his body as long as he can. The moment they are left alone, he thrusts in hard, his hand slips and Ben lets out his cry. He sees blood smeared on the swollen bottom lip. Poe is bleeding. Ben has just bit him.

 

*********

 

Poe wakes up in his bedroom, drowning in hot sweat. He’s panting and soreness is soaking wet through him to the sheet. His head is spinning badly when he tries to locate that beeping sound. Someone is calling his phone.

It’s Jessica. – “Hey shithead! Where’ve you been?”

“What did you give me Jess?”

“Oh, so it worked.” – _Fuck!_ – “No need to thank me though. You’ve been doing the ‘vegan’ thing for months now, Poe. I’m just caring for your dick.”

“Jess! What did you give me?”

“Relax. I didn’t poison you or stuff like that. It’s not gonna harm your beloved body, Poe.”

 _Hah!_ Poe closes his eyes, rolls over to lie on his back. He rubs his chest, tries to sooth down the pain pumped under his skin. She’s right. It just let him harmed somebody else.  – “When is it gonna wear off?”

“What do you mean?”

He hesitates. - “I’m still hallucinating, Jess, about… ‘the night’.”

“It’s been days Poe. You were already clean after a few hours.”

Night wind gently shifts the curtain, curls around him so gentle, yet makes him chill to the core.

“Did something happen?”

Poe doesn’t know what to say - “No.” – He’s not sure about what happened anymore. – “No…” - Was it even hitting him when he did that? Or was it just him? – “I’m tired Jess.”

“Ok then… Ackbar is looking for you though. Ben called in sick but he has to stay at home alone ‘til weekend. And he’s not answering his phone now. Did you visit him?”

Poe jerks like being caught red-handed. – “No.”

“You guys are fighting or something?”

“No, Jess. I… I’m waiting him to call me.” – He sighs, covering the shakiness in his voice.

“Right. Whatever Poe.”

Poe opens his eyes to look out the window. Moonlight is still so bright and smooth, filtered through the cloud like sweet wine. – “You should go Jess. He might calling me now.”

“Just fix your shit…”

 The girl hangs up. Poe throws his phone away and stares at the low ceiling, feels like he’s about to being crushed. He tries reaching for his leather jacket to find out the flask was gone. Spilled sticky cum has started drying around him, on his sheet.

Poe has to fix this quick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That rum with poppy bud though... it's a real thing in my country. It just affect you like normal wine.


	3. The Timing Lesson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about any errors. I kinda have a not so good feeling about this chapter.

_Ok. You can do this. Let’s get it over with._

Ben breathes in slowly. He says it to himself as he looks at the person out there trying to open the gate. Rests his head against the glass window, he can see wind is playing with that curly hair, messing around, making him run a hand to comb through it. Ben did say he had to fix this quick. But he’s never thought lying to the person knows him most while having no idea how to do it whatsoever is a good idea. He’s going to do it anyway. Hiding is just a temporally solution, and from this moment, it’s not an option anymore. Ben walks to the door with nothing in his head. He has to make this work if he wants things to get better. Ben doesn’t have a choice.

“Hi!” – Ben opened the door before the bell had any chance to ring. It made his friend jump a little bit. Sunshine is having a bad time of his life.

“Poe…”

Leather jacket and sun-kissed skin, sweet honey eyes sparkling with hope and affection. He is still beautiful as always, tempting yet innocent, like a true heart-breaker. Ben manages something to return a smile was forced no less than his. Obviously, it wasn’t so much convincing. Poe is standing in front of him, his smile slowly fades like a dying fire.

“I brought you something.”- Poe says as he steps forward to hand him a small basket made of willow. – “I hope you like black bean soup. My mom once said it’s good for… pain relief, and…”

 _Yes. And blood loss, and healing._ – “That’s, uh, nice. Poe. Thanks a lot.” – He nods his head right away. Ben totally got the idea behind the thing. He jumps in, hopes the other guy would stop saying out loud any of his thought. _Is that… cranberry juice and cherries?_

 “The weather is nice, today.” – Poe nervously chuckles. He pulls back and eyes wandering all over the place.

“Yes. It is.”

They look up the sky, see cloud spreading gray everywhere like dirty cotton. Ben’s effort of trying to continue a small talk is just downright horrible. Every time he had to do it, he would always have Poe. Now he just standing there, with Poe no longer by his side, foolishly hopes that he could think of something to say about anything. Every sound around them dilutes in the awkward silence. And then winds giggle as they hear their hearts pounding heavily, brains racing for some casual talks.

“Can I…”

“Yeah, sure…” – Ben opens the door to let Poe in and runs off quick. No dare looking back, he just walks straight upstairs.

 _Fuck me!_ Ben is feeling so stupid, standing in his bedroom. He should go for the kitchen instead of leading Poe to this place. His whole body tries to scream out normalcy, as blood giving up climbing to his brain. He looks around for some place to put the basket, when Poe comes in, closes the door shut behind them.

“You know you really don’t have to do this. I can mix up some muffins and…”

“No. No, Ben. I want to.”

A conversation has never dried out so quickly like that. And Ben can’t come up with anything else to say. He forces himself to keep his eyes straight, to look at Poe, like everything is just the way it is, enough for him to do that. But when Poe meets his gaze, Ben can’t help but glance out the window, or anything but that look. He doesn’t move one bit of his body. Holding his breath, Ben is waiting for its coming, the talk he has been avoiding so much.

“Ben… About the other night, I’m sorry. I’m not usually…”

“Nothing happened Poe. Whatever that you’re thinking, that did not happen. You don’t have to…”

Poe steps toward him right off, without any hesitation. He is being so close, so much that Ben can smell his familiar scent, crisp and warm, like sunshine caressing the earth. - “Ben. Don’t be like that.”

“What do you mean?” – Ben is more and more like a prey being cornered. He doesn’t have space to pull back. Does Poe know everything already? About what he did to Poe? About he is going to lie?

“I’m not an idiot Ben. Why are you… denying me?” – Poe’s voice is gentle, yet painted with his upset, sounds like growling to Ben. The hands gripping his shoulders turn him around face to face. Ben is being looked into his soul. He has no place to hide, and it makes him terrified.

“I am not denying you anything.”

“Then let’s just talk about what happened.”

“Nothing _happened_!”

 _Fuck!_ Ben realizes he just screamed out. Poe pulls back from him, so shocked and scared as if he had been shot. Honestly, he couldn’t have done anything else after what Ben just did. He force-thrown the bottle of cranberry juice out the window, made shattered glass scatter everywhere. Ben swallows down his sob, and tries to ignore the boiling heat burning in his eyes. Fear washes through him like a hurricane.

“Poe. Please…”

“Ben, I’m sorry!”

“Stop saying that.”

He can barely speak out now. Looking back at him, Poe clumsily hides every bit of fright behind his warmth and kindness. – “Yes. I… At least have your soup, ok?”

God! Ben Solo is such a mess. What the hell did he even do that for? Poe has been nothing but nice and good to him, being his best friend and the only one care for him without any doubt. Despite how much trouble he brings, Poe just keeps trusting him and being ridiculously charming with that goddamn sweetness. This time Ben fuck things up, he had decided to bury it all away. But then he just thrown cranberry juice out the window and let Poe kept saying sorry on repeat. He is the one should have apologized here, why is he eating soup like a victim instead?

 _It’s been quite for too long now._ Poe is sitting on a chair nearby, silently watching Ben having his bean soup, spoon after spoon. His eyes just shifts constantly, to his lips, to his eyes, somewhere out the window, to his hand holding the bowl, then to his lips. _I should say something now_. The soup is really nice though. It has whole beans in it, just the way he likes. Not too smooth, not too rich or creamy, simply delicate without the spiky heat. Poe is being more and more uncomfortable. _Just apologize to him._

“It’s not like what you are thinking, Poe.”

“Ben…”

“You and I, we just drank too much.” – Ben turns away, pretends as if he needs to put the bowl back in when Poe comes close, to sit at the other end of his bed. Being this distance, together in this place, Ben can’t look at those brown eyes anymore.

“We were naked. I saw bruises and marks all over our…”

“You just had a crazy party. And I had training. That’s all.”

“Yeah? Then how do you explain the fact that I woke up, holding you without any clothes?”

 “We took showers and then we’re just tired. You sleep at my place all the times. You hug me all the times. You even kiss my cheeks. Those are just normal. Are you telling me you were… being ‘something’ too every times you did those?”

“No, Ben. I didn’t…”

Ben turned to face Poe, and saw panic coiling up inside both of their heads. He said it, and then felt how horrified it was, when Poe denied it right away, about what he just said. Were those 'normal'? Did Poe even know what he was doing then? Or did he just do those things, simply because they didn’t have any different meaning that Ben thought they had?

Everything is so confusing right now. Ben can’t tell what they are doing as the matter of fact. Poe is coming closer but he isn’t. Poe lifted his hand up but he did not. Poe is about to say something but nothing comes out from his mouth. They both struggle, to find out what to think, what should be done or what should be said.

“I always… care for you, Ben. I just don’t want you to ever get hurt. I would never be able to forgive myself if I’m the one…”

“You didn’t hurt me, Poe. You can’t ever do that. And I can take care of myself.”

“You’re still young, Ben.”

“I’m sixteen already.”

“Your birthday is in 4 months…”

“You act like I’m just a kid.”

“You may have regrets, Ben…”

Ben is staggered. Memories of that morning comes back to him, aggravate his every nerves. Nothing is making sense. Nothing is in his control right now. Words come out of his mouth while he can't even acknowledge anything but panic.

 “So what, Poe? You started drinking when you were just 17 years and 8 months old. You smoked your first cigarette on your 16th birthday then decided that you didn’t like it. You have been having sex with people since that same night, Poe. You don’t get to tell me what I want.”

“You’re right, Ben. I just don’t want to make you feel like being tricked.”

 _Oh yes! That’s right._ He totally forgot, didn’t he? All of this is just one giant fucked-up mess, created from his own faults. It was him who had been daydreaming all along. Poe has never loved him, or even just cared for him like the way he thought. They didn’t mean anything significantly. Those little things Poe did to him are just little things he always does to everyone else. Even sex, it is just supposed to be something for them to regret, to laugh about. And it was him who tricked Poe into another regret.

“I’m sorry. Poe.”

“Ben…”

He can’t take it anymore. He just can’t hold on for another minute. Feelings have been bubbles in his chest, now burst out into hot tears. Air squeezes out from his lung, through his tight throat, and makes him choke when it rushing in.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok, Ben! What are you talking about?”

Poe is hugging him. Ben can feel the arms wrapping around him so subtle, travelling on his back, soothing on his hair. He is being comforted, being petted again. Ben should hate this. Poe is just feeling sorry for him now. Ben does not deserve this. ‘Cause Poe is just being a nice guy to someone crying in front of him. Poe has never loved anyone. Ben Solo has never been something more special in his loving eyes full of good and kindness.

”I didn’t mean it. I never want to hurt you…”

“Stop it, Ben! Why are you saying that? You didn’t do anything.”

Ben can’t help it now. He can’t fight himself out of Poe’s kindness. There is nothing he can do besides giving in. He let Poe hold him tight, let Poe grasp his nape, pulling him close, let him bury his face in his chest, then tilt his head gently so he can put a kiss on his eye.

“Don’t cry, Ben. Nothing has ever happened. Everything is just normal. It’s just the way it is, yeah?”

Yes. Let’s just go back to normal. Back to the time when Ben is nothing special to him, nothing more than a friend happens to be the son of his heroes. Ben is just going back to be his distinctive awkward, naïve kid, who is really bad at fitting in, and always have to struggle, that needs Poe’s saintly mercy touch.

 “I’m sorry, Poe.”

Poe let out a small laughter, so soft and painful. – “Don’t be, Ben.”

His friend is looking back at him, sweet and warm-hearted smile, lovely as much as always. Poe wipes away his tear, so gently, like nothing has ever happened.

“You use too much paprika again.”

“Yeah? Is that why you’re not happy?”

Ben lightly chuckles – “I did finish it, didn’t I? Besides, I have to go back to Uncle Luke’s, eating space foods and instant muffins tomorrow. No one can be happy about that, Poe.”

“Why do you always have to leave so soon?”

“Cause I don’t want voices in my head.”

Poe let out a soft sigh, lips curve into an unusual smile that Ben cannot tell. – “I will always miss you. My friend.”

Ben is his friend now. Poe has let it go. He has believed him for real. They finally back to normal now. Right?

 

*******

 

 Poe is standing in his kitchen chaotic like on battlefield. His mind is close to senseless, hands holding the willow basket as if he is sleep-walking. He really can’t believe what just happened. He didn’t fix shit and simply petrified ‘cause he thought he had lost Ben for good and all. He did it again. He fucked things up real bad again. This time he even made Ben cry. And no, it’s not about the paprika, it’s not about the space food, the instant muffin, not even about his training or his Uncle Luke. _Cranberry juice, like, for real?_ Honest Poe already knows that he’s not the brightest guy in the galaxy. But showing up with food after sex and hope that he can… make it up to Ben, or expect Ben’s acceptance, like a monkey in mating season is just really fucking stupid.

Of course Ben would say nothing had ever happened. Poe showed up, drunk with drug and alcohol, the following morning he shoved Ben off his own bed, as if Poe hadn’t hurt him enough already. He made Ben feels like he was rejected, like it was just another mistake Poe makes from time to time. It was a mistake. But Ben wasn’t. Poe should have realized it sooner. He should have admitted he does love Ben and it’s not just a typical teenage crush. If he could have not fucking around and told Ben that from the beginning, or even just be brave enough to tell him how he feels right there and then, things wouldn’t have been such a mess right now. Ben would’ve believed him, that this is not something for him to laugh or regret about. He wouldn’t deny him and desperately tried to be back to the way they used to be.

Ben lied about it and it’s not even a good lie. He’s feeling guilty. He thinks it’s his fault. Did he think he had tricked Poe? Did he think again he had mess with his head? Is that why he keep saying sorry as if Poe is the victim but not him? _Goddamn it, Ben!_ Why does he have to be so senseless then? Why does Poe even let him think of something like that? Why didn’t Poe do anything more than hold him, comforted him, wiped away the tears that he caused? So much mistakes for one simple little thing. Ben even almost had Poe admit his love, all he needed to do is spit it out, but he just terrified and could do nothing but going on with his own mistake. He forced things those shouldn’t be forced, and hesitated when he needed to be brave. And now he’s back at the beginning. He can’t do anything now but to take it slow and build his trust, hoping someday Ben will know he loves Ben with his beating heart and his cleared mind.

In this moment, what he’s going to do is to wait, looking at the empty bowl and grinding his teeth, trying to suck, to lick the spoon, to taste the faint flavor teasing in his tongue like drugs. It’s everything was left to Poe for months and months until Ben can return home. Nothing is wrong with the paprika though but he swears, he will throw away this trash if that’s what Ben wants. All he needs right now is Ben being somewhere he can reach, so he can make things right. _Please come back to me soon!_

 


	4. Comeback to Me.

     Poe wakes up with a split headache from hell. _What is this now?_ He must have taken a thousand shots for his throat to be this sore. His mind is empty like one cracked coconut, and probably he did crack his skull. It’s hard to move his head. He just hopes he didn’t break any blood vessel in his burning eyes, or bruised his face too much. A lip cut, he can handle. The bloody mess on his temple, near his hair, he can hide. Poe Dameron just cannot stand the idea of making somebody in his life worry about him. Someone. He can’t remember how he got here right now, wherever here is. What is he even doing now? Memory is just one blurry mess, so hollow and confusing. He can’t explain why he is being tied to a table, with blood and sweat all over his face.

     “I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board.”

 _What?_ In the dull humming white noise, Poe can’t tell if he just heard the shadow...

       _Ah, yes. That’s right!_

     “Comfortable?”

     Black hood, black robe, black mask. Poe tries to swallow down the reality. He’s in the hand of the Dark Prince, Kylo Ren of the First-Order.

     “Not really.”

     Poe didn’t imagine Ren could be this… ‘friendly’. All the tales, all the stories from some suspicious survivors, of a monster, a creature in a mask, who kills, hunts, and casts a dark shadow of the next Darth Vader across the galaxy. He had always had something else in mind, an image of a robot in cape, an ugly henchman with a rough-hewn figure to match perhaps. But not that tall, gracefully slender and broad chest of a real warrior in a million years. Damn! Poe has to admit, his captor is so beautiful. _Jeez, what a relief!_

     “I'm impressed.”

     Ren slowly comes closer and closer. His voice is soft and smooth, like sweet rum and moonlight coiling to his core. Something inside Poe is struck. The sound of boots tapping on the floor stirs and pounds his heart in a calm, luring manner. The black scarf shifts gently with every single of Ren’s move, caressing the long, elegant back. That familiar of butterflies and frogs Poe can’t recall. He should be afraid for himself.

     “No one has been able to get out of you… what you did with the map.”

 _Yeah…! Right._ The map, that leads to the General’s brother, Luke Skywalker, the only hope of the Resistance, which he was trying to bring back. A little snarling in Ren’s tone, contrast with the casual soothing voice of his, provokes Poe’s every cell.

     “You might want to rethink your technique.”

     That’s funny! Poe doesn’t remember being such playful like this before. Not just in the hand of the enemy, but for quite a long time, since… _God! Why am I even thinking about this now?_ He can’t believe he’s flirting in shackles, with some strange enemy, who’s probably going to torture him to death, or bring him to his knees. Poe is being a little too adventurous for his own good there.

     Ren stands there. He must be looking at him, Poe imagines, a set of dark eyes, staring at him through that slit dark like black hole, leaving him no escape. Poe feels like he is being looked into his soul. He is. Ren raises his hand. He is far beyond the reach yet somehow seems like he is touching him. Ren is doing those Jedi mind tricks. _Goddammit!_

 _Ahh! That’s… uncomfortable_. They taught him about this before, when he first joined the Resistance perhaps, when he was… young. “It’s something you can’t stop” they said. All the survivors, even the toughest can’t keep what he bears, the pain, the anger. The fear. “If you get caught, maybe you should consider save the last shot for yourself.” Poe Dameron has never believed it. He didn’t even keep that thought in his mind, the idea of how terrible Force mind trick can be. People did not talk about it or argue about how stupid it is. Until Kylo Ren. Poe had always thought it was just another torturing method that uses drugs or hallucinogenic agents. His cocky younger self sometimes fantasized about meeting him, the Master of the Knights of Ren, to challenge him his technique. Now here he is, Poe has to say, when he is at the mercy of the enemy, something more pleasant could have happened to him instead of this.

     Poe is calling up his bad memories, every single one in his life. _Let them come. I’m done with them, I have been through so many._ Jess always rolls her eyes every time she hears that. “I don’t have feelings and bad memories anymore.” It’s true though. He thinks about the slaughters he has witnessed, the peaceful and beautiful villages, men women and children had died by the hand of the enemy. He wants to think he can and is protecting them. But deep down, Poe doesn’t want to care. He is saving… something else. He can remember, every time they do a rescue mission, a counter-strike or an attack, hearing other fellow pilots and his friend’s voice on the com, then later sees the explosions of the x-wings those carrying them, on the sky, where the sun is shining bright and warm on his skin, or in the vacuum of space, where the darkness surrounds them and he can’t hear any of those. Poe feels alive, yet so empty drowning in the sound of everybody screaming, laser shooting, and destructions from both sides. Someone, somewhere, is always being hit by somebody. It is just war. Time pasts and bit by bit, that unease, unpleasantness he has, it’s mostly because he scares how empty he has becomes. He thinks about his parents, the way they die. They die fighting for what they believe. “It’s the right thing to do.” They said that to him when he was still young. They’re carrying him in their sweet embraces, when they told him about being parts of something magnificent, fulfilling their destinies in a glorious victory of the Light, being in heaven, being one with the Force. They are gone now. Some part of him feels jealous. Poe knows it is not true but somehow he can’t help but thinking they love this war more than him, their son, that they abandoned him to follow the call of duty. And that he joined this war just to make them proud, to be a brother in arms. He should be painful, for the family he had lost in war, for being alone all his life, Poe just can’t find himself being that ‘normal’. He pretends to laugh, he fights and cheers for the Resistance despite the danger he faces. There’s always something in him doesn’t seem right. Like there is something missing. Something is not making sense. He is giving up hope. _Am I a monster?_

_“Don’t be afraid.”_

     …  A voice whispers into his ears. A sense of aroused is crawling up his body. Poe knows what this is. Somehow he can understand the way it works. Ren has searched every thought in every corner, now he is mixing pain with pleasure to amplify his suffer. Right from this moment, Poe has to try his best to fight the flimsy moment happiness.

_“I feel it too.”_

     Poe imagines his brain is being scrambled, crushed in by his own skull, while his body is being hugged. He finds himself slam his head against the table. He has started to groan out loud. He can’t run anywhere in his thought. His heart races out of control to pump blood to every corner. His mind is slapped into consciousness. Life is flashing before his eyes. Poe has never felt awake like this for the longest time.

     “Where is it?”

     He is losing it faster than a crash. - “The Resistance… will not be intimidated by you.” – Poe can feel Ren’s ‘touch’, pulling him closer like gravity attraction. He is free falling now.

     “Where… is it?” - … - _“Poe.”_

     A wave of emotions pushes in the further depth. Poe feels up and down, joyful and then depressed. He experiences love, he fights the warm caring, and when he starts yearning for more, all he gets back is hurt. Someone is calling his name. A boy he doesn’t know, with a smile so soft and familiar, yet cruelly intimate, like they can pierce into each other’s soul, into the storm’s dangerous eye and violence. Everything rumbles, screeching noises bursting through his head. Poe screams out loud and something in him explodes. It’s bright like a star just died, bathes the whole space with nothingness. Then suddenly, in the calming darkness, Poe can feel him in his hand. Pale skin dotted with freckles, warm, sweet and innocent under the smooth bright light of full moon. He makes Poe suffocated. He meets the boy’s gaze, struggle to remember his name. _What is this?_

     “Where are you now? Please come to me Poe!”

 

*****

 

     “Funny, isn’t it, how life can turn out to be?”

     Poe opened his watery eyes, found himself sitting at a table, on a small balcony. The sky was cloudy, and wind was blowing, it made the trees silhouette gently shifted. He could see every detail yet everything felt so unreal. The scene was calm and chilling, like the night before a storm, or something was about to arrive. Wine was being poured into his cup. The amber liquid shimmering in the night brought up that tingling feeling on his tongue. Poe turned to see the other one sitting across the table. _It’s him._ His stomach tumbled from realizing how fast his heart was beating. He recognized the hair darker than the night, the eyes reflected the light, burning the warmest shade of brown, the nose, the lips, the chin drew a sharp line that could cut through his heart.

     “What is it…?”

     Poe heard his voice asking, so confused and afraid. But he didn’t want to care about anything in the world, other than the person sitting there with him. He wanted to reach out to him, coming closer, feel his skin brushing and warm against his. But it was so heart-breaking, because he didn’t dare to, like he was not allowed to do so. If Poe touched him, he seemed like he would disappear. _Who are you?_

     He put down the bottle, reached out to push the cup towards Poe. The person quickly pulled back, hid his long, elegant fingers and bleeding knuckles behind the sleeve. The other hand touching the lips, he was looking at something, far beyond the horizon, through the cloud to smile at the stars.

     “Han is leaving again.”

     Poe shivered. That familiar feeling. He could see it now. The boy reminded him a lot of Han Solo. It was stupid but could that the reason Poe cared this much for him?

     “Leia didn’t do anything about it. They just hugged and kissed each other goodbye.”

     “That’s what they do. They love, they fight, they drive each other crazy.”

     “Right.”

     Poe couldn’t take his eyes off the boy. He tried to look away from him, from the tempting pale neck, that was revealed when he sank deeper into the chair, to rested his head on the crest rail.

     “People say nothing can tear them apart but… him going on trips, Leia busying with all the politics, and they both sending me away. Sometimes you just can’t help but thinking they are trying to destroy everything.”

     Poe understood that feeling. He had the same thought when he was younger, when he sometimes wished his family had not joined this war. The younger man took a deep breath. He turned to look Poe in the eyes. Poe felt like he was just being stabbed. The brown eyes were filled with pain, glittered in the night.

     “Few days ago, I… saw it. What will you say if I tell you they are going separate ways?”

     Poe knew it. It had been years since the last time he saw Han. Suddenly, he felt so desperate and awful. “I believe you.”

     Tears rolled down the boy’s cheeks. His face turned red, from the uncontrollable sob he was trying so hard not to let out. It crushed Poe’s soul. The boy clenched his jaws and let out a steady breath. Poe couldn’t help leaning forward just to put his hand on the table. He was so afraid he was fading in the boy’s eyes. There was something he had to be careful.

     “Do you know how much they have been through? They went to wars with each other, they save lives, they bring hope to the galaxy. They holding hand faced the Dark. Yet in peacetime, they leave each other like nothing matters. Why is that, huh?”

     “I’m so sorry.”

     The boy snorted, in something like amusement. He rose up, wiped his tears, then came closer to reach for the wine, elbows propped on the table, his voiced echoed in a strange calmness, like he was telling a story of somebody far far away.

     “They’re still together because of me. They say it like they are really trying to help their sick son. ‘Try to get better, we will deal with everything later, honey.’ What does that even mean? Eventually everybody is going to leave, why even bother. Can somebody be with somebody ‘til the day they die? They can’t, who else can? They are both tired. Is that why people be with each other, to lean on somebody? What is love, huh? If love does not matter anymore, then why somebody would bother with me? Was that even real Poe? Did they really ever love each other or was it just… a mistake? Am I a regret Poe?”

     “No. No you are not. Your parents love you. I…”

     “Then why didn’t he just stay? Why didn’t they let me stay?”

     God! He wanted to hold his hand so bad, to tell him how he felt, to never let him go. But there was something in his life, he had to be careful. Something he could not just do. Maybe he should have. Because right here, he didn’t have the courage to move an ounce of his body, just sit there and saw a bitter smile spilled across the boy’s face, to let out something seemed like relief, yet felt like aching.

     “God, I hate him.”

     “You know that is not true.”

     “I do, Poe.”

     “Why did you say that? Why do you pretend to be cruel?” - _Why do you lie to yourself? Why do you lie to me?_

     “Do you know? Sometimes, in my sleep, I ‘dream’ about stabbing him.”

     The boy’s sob cut through the silence night. Their little universe was drowned in his tear. He was shivering. His pain soaked into Poe’s body and mind.

      “I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. It’s not working, the training, the meditation…, the drugs. It just makes things worse. I can’t run away now. I close my eyes and all I can feel is the Dark. It’s reaching out to me, it’s pulling me. Am I a monster?”

     “No. Please, don’t be like this. It was just a dream.”

     Poe couldn’t help himself from that moment. Before he could realize it, Poe had already found himself crossed the table, on his knees to take the boy into his embrace. He breathed in his scent, hand felt the soft waves of hair, the cold of his skin. His mind was about to explode. Poe was terrified, because of how familiar this seemed, like he had done this before for a thousand times. Holding this stranger in his arms.

     “I’m here now.”

     “You are drunk Poe.”

     “I’m here with you.”

     “You’re doing it again.”

     Poe had never felt so clear like that while losing his mind. He couldn’t take it every time the boy tried to push him away, to escape from his arms. The urge, the realization was like an adrenaline shot to his vein. Yes, he was doing it again.

     “Why do you keep being so nice to me? It makes me sick.”

     Poe gave up from that moment. Nothing mattered. The boy was giving in.

     “I hate you so much.” - Poe pressed their lips together. - “I hate you so much Poe.”

     Everything felt so insanely great when they touched, when he climbed up the chair to close every gap that existed between them. Poe was now caught in his perfect little game. The boy ran and Poe chased. He arched up, Poe locked him down. He panted and Poe drank up every enchanting moan from his mouth.

     “We shouldn’t…”

     Poe went in further, suffocated them both by the taste of their tongue. It’s so deadly sweet in his crazy mind. _How in the world is he can be still talking?_

     “Stop it Poe… Please stop it.”

     “Stop fighting now.”

     Poe ran his hand down the elegant waist, sent the chill down the boy’s spine, like the way himself was being driven mad. He wanted to stop time, to trap them forever, to get his love far from all the danger he was facing. The boy turned to avoid his kiss, only then to find Poe sucked on his neck, and Poe’s hand guided him back to their kisses. He was calling his name. Poe couldn’t care about anything anymore. He didn’t care which one of them was the captor.

     “Just say it, please!”

     “I love you.”

     “Let go of me Poe.”

     “No.”

     “Say that you don’t care about me, so I can go. I can forget about you…”

     “I love you.”

     “It’s not true.”

     It is true. He is the one Poe cherishes with all his life. Poe knows it is true. - “I care for you.”

     “Why don’t you just say it out loud…? Free me please!”

     “I know you want me. Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, i got trapped in Kylux stuffs for too long.


	5. Hate Me, Love Me.

     Kylo Ren hates Poe to his core.

     From the moment he found out Poe Dameron was the one fired a blaster at him, he knew today was going to be a tough day. More than ten years being this, part of him wanted to cry, for how strong and powerful he was, for how wonderful Poe Dameron had become. But the more thrilled he is, the more terrified he feels. Master of the Knights of Ren and the Best Pilot of the Resistance, the day they cross path is inevitable. Kylo Ren had been prepared, sooner or later, he had waited for this day to come. Do the drill, a simple extraction, that’s everything he had to do. But right now, he starts to question his decision and ability. He just can’t believe what happened to him.

     This was never supposed to be easy but it shouldn’t be this complicated. Things could go wrong but not this kind of wrong. Ren had made a mistake. He pushed too hard and he almost felt. He did not lose control. He just didn’t think Poe would be able to pull him down. Ren tried his best to hide himself and keep everything sealed, but Poe has definitely remembered something. Kylo Ren is just lucky enough to be able to fight back and pulled out before Poe made him ‘give in’ completely.

     The outfit is too hot right now, he is literally melting. _Fuck! How did he know to bring that up?_ How did he know how to fight him? This is not the time to be distracted by this. Ren takes a step back and removes the helmet. He bends down, reminds himself to breath slowly. His chest rises and falls in a steady pattern, tries to calm down the frantic heart pumping fear through his vein. He thought he had forgotten about that day. Memories about his previous life are going back to haunt him. Ren can still feel the taste from Poe’s lip on his tongue.

_“I know you want me. Don’t be afraid. I can feel it too.”_

_Seems like they trained you well._ Was he quick enough? Did Poe see him too? He saw Poe. His feeling for him. It’s deeper than he thought. It felt too real that makes him confused. For a moment he couldn’t tell if that was Poe’s mind or his own. The smell of blood brings him back to reality. Kylo finds himself standing next to his prisoner again. He can’t resist the urge to move his bare fingers from Poe’s chest, to trace along his throat and collar bones, to brush against his cheek and his closed eyes. The tan olive skin is illuminating with the sweat, so irritating he just wants to make it bruised. That same jacket, that same curly hair, the same heartbreaking gaze. Poe Dameron is just older now.

     Ren tightens his fingers around Poe’s neck. Everything is out of Kylo Ren’s control. _What should I do with you, Poe?_ Ren doesn’t know if he could actually kill him. He wants to though. Deep down inside, he is being torn apart. His desperate mind can’t take it any longer. It calls his name, tries to make this suffer end. But Ren just can’t do it. Even when his nails are deep on Poe’s skin, the heat in his hand is somehow choking him.

 _You really know how to push your luck don’t you Poe?_ Ren has crushed their lips together, before he can realize that is such a bad idea. He lets go to turn his back on Poe. He steps away, tries to keep the tears stay in his eyes. Time is passing by and his heartbeat is counting the silence. Ren cannot lose this fight.

     “Quit that. You’ll never be able to kill me by staring.”

     Kylo Ren turns to confront his prisoner. In his eyes, Poe looks like he is the real hunter, not the prey who’s strapped down ready to be skinned.

     “What did you do to me?”

     “Changing my technique.”

     “ _That_ wasn’t a trick. We knew each other in real life.”

     Ren slowly comes toward him. He closes the gap step by step, knowing it’s a dangerous move. - “Is that so?”

     “Why can’t I remember you?”

     “Must have been quite an impression.” – He is losing it.

     “Stop playing with me!”

     “You don’t fucking get to say that, Poe Dameron.”

     Poe smirked. In the dim light, Ren can still see the satisfaction spreading on Poe’s face. He should have put his mask on. For his own good, maybe Ren should have just killed Poe.

     “Free me.”

     Kylo Ren can’t help but feel amused by this irritating arrogance. – “Why should I?” – He probably would laugh if this person isn’t looking at him, like Ren is nothing more than an easy obstacle on his way.

     “Let’s make a bet then. My life for your memories. Kill me and prove me that I’m wrong. Prove me that you don’t care about me.”

     They stare at each other, waiting for one of them to make a move.

     Ren has lost. But he doesn’t have to play it that way. – “You are so right.”

     He knocks Poe out cold. Ren punched so hard that Poe’s head slammed against the table and his fist is actually in pain. He really wants a moment to put himself together but there isn’t much time to think now. He puts back his helmet and gloves to step out the interrogation room. He has to be quick if he wants this to work. And he has already wasted too much time.

     General Armitage Hux is waiting outside. That ginger fox intimidates him more than Snoke does. Ren can’t go around using the Force on everyone. He uses the Force to shield himself from Snoke and Snoke is already a handful. And yet this one, he reads people like he was born to do one thing. Even behind the all this fabric, Ren still feels like Hux can see through his soul.

     “It’s in a droid. A BB unit.”

     “Well, then. If it’s on Jakku we’ll soon have it.”

     “I leave that to you.”

     Kylo Ren doesn’t waste a second to walk away. He finds that stormtrooper from the village. FN-2187. Ren needs someone to take Poe escape. Poe might be too damaged to be able to do this on his own. The stormtrooper was just finished his blaster submission. Doesn’t matter. Distance is never his problem. _“The prisoner, you know what to do.”_ Ren has to be more careful than ever about this. That is everything Ren will do for Poe Dameron. The rest will have to depend on how good of a pilot Poe is.

_Show me how good you have become!_

 

*****

 

     Poe must admit, that was not his best performance. But he is not ashamed of the outcome, crashed down the Goazon badland, after being disabled by ventral cannon in a strange TIE fighter, instead of being destroyed. He could have been satisfied more if it’s not because he is being cuffed, again, blindfolded, and dragged across the floor of… whatever it is that he has been taken in. Smart move not using the bag. That thing never properly does its job in space. Now all he has to do is try to escape, find Finn, find BB-8 and go home. _How hard can it be…_ He needs to figure this thing out first.

     Poe knows he was kidnapped by Stormtroopers. Only a fool could have not recognized the sound of their armors moving. It’s just the way they move that puzzles him. So much efficiency and so fast, like some high officer’s personal attack dogs. Deep down Poe hopes it is Kylo Ren, but honestly, Poe really hopes that is _him_.

     The room is cold, where they bring him. They remove the cuffs, push him down the floor and then exit the room without saying anything. They don’t even need somebody to say the command. It hasn’t been long since the last time Poe was brought to his knees by stormtroopers. Kneeling there, he can feel the sound of boots tapping on the floor, scrambling his bruised brain. Poe hears that helmet hissing and he knows, it hasn’t been long since the last time he knelt for Kylo Ren. Poe lifts his head up, to feel the shadow casts that thrill all over his body.

     “You crashed.”

     “You know me.”

     “You called for my help.”

     “And you heard me again.”

     Poe rises slowly but stays on his knees. He wants it to be like that. He loves the feeling when Ren touches his hair, the way Ren grabs it and pulls his head back when Poe traces his hand under the black robe, up his thigh. He is not wearing his gloves. Poe could feel his long fingers dug and scratched his scalp. Swallow becomes so hard when his throat is being exposed.

     “You want me….”

     “Careful, scum.” – He snarls.

     “You love me.”

     Ren slaps him across the face. Poe must say, it has been a rough day, but he is far from sick of this shitty game. He moans, and tries to lick away the bloody smile on his lips. _Fuck!_ Maybe it’s a little bit too late to hide his arousal now. Ren reaches out to remove his blindfold. Poe turns and seeks for his touch, feels the black fabric rough on his lips and somehow that makes him shiver. Poe keeps his eyes sealed, let the air shifts with Ren’s movement coils around him. That warmth on his cheek is the only thing assures him Ren’s existence and attention, for some time feels like forever in his mind. 

     Poe quickly grabs his hand when he senses Kylo is pulling back. It feels like he is holding ice, and he can’t fight the urge to warm those fingers up in his mouth. He curls his tongue, brushes Ren’s wet fingertips against his lips, lets the tingle from Ren’s body spread to him.  

     “Poe.”

     Poe pulls him down the hard floor. He crawls between the long legs to pin down his body. All he wants now is to eat away the moans. That strange soft voice called for him as a dream. It echoes in the dull space, taps on his chest, tells him to wake up and open his eyes. In the smooth white dim light, Kylo Ren’s image burns like a rich blue flame under the moon. _It is him._ Even in his afterlife, Poe will still recognize the sharp eyes, icy cheeks, and soft lips, those can make his hand bleed if he touch him. His lips linger inch away from Ren’s. Time can forget about them now. Poe can’t wait any longer.

     “Say it. Just say it now.”

     Poe watches him groan and let that bitterness slit across the lips. Ren gazes into his eyes, to sear into Poe’s soul. His voice hangs in the air, slips into Poe’s heart like a sigh.

     “Kiss me.”

     Poe can feel something inside him is broken. This war can go and kill itself. He doesn’t care about anything anymore. What Ren has done, he doesn’t care about what he or himself has done to survive in this war, or anybody has ever died for anything. The map, the Resistance, the mission, Finn… Poe doesn’t want to think about them anymore.

     Poe tries to lay down the gentlest kiss that he can. But his racing heart just wants to make his head explode. Those plump lips feel painfully tender, like it can lure Poe in to suffocate and end his own life. Kylo Ren is crying. Poe brushes the tear rolling down his cheeks, begging to let him have it all, let him drink away all Ren’s whimpers. It is everything Ren buried, his past, his pain, his memories. Feels like a time, when nobody can remember, except him.

     “What happened to us?”

     Poe kisses his tight jaws relentlessly. His stubborn mind tries to ignore Poe’s voice whispering in his ears, to not give out anything. Yet Ren is not resisting him or fighting back, just quietly accepts anything from Poe like death is already seeping in his soul.

     “What did I do? What did I do to you?”

     “Hah…”

     The escaped titter is like fire poured down Poe’s throat. His lips are burning with Ren’s warmth, his mouth is full with the taste from Ren’s tongue, and somehow all they give each other is bitterness and lustful hunger. The deeper the kiss is, the more inviting the pain is. It’s his punishment for the past they shared. And now they are seeking comfort in each other’s desire.   

     “Open your eyes.”

     Memories and intimacy are written all over his body, yet Ren keeps returning Poe with a strange emptiness bleed out from their touches and kisses.

     “Please look at me.”

     Poe can’t see any love deep down in his brown eyes. Those graceful fingers up on Poe’s nape, trace on his throat, send the chilling cold to his beating heart, like they just want to suffocate him. But all that suffer is making Ren week, telling him to keep letting go. Poe lays a soft kiss on his eye, down his cheek, to bite on his ear. Ren can’t help letting out a moan that then drowns quickly in the sound of Poe removing their clothes. He turns his head, avoids the loving relief, the stir in Poe he just caused from letting out that little moan. Poe caresses every inch of skin he can reach. _Fuck! What was I to you? What are you thinking now?_

     The way Ren makes he feels, Poe wants to show him everything that’s happening to him. Poe wants to remember all, the hatred, the love, the pain, even the flash moment when their eyes met, even the slightest furrowed brows. His smiles, his tears. Most of all…

     “I want your memories.”

     Poe licks down his throat, to suck on his collarbone. Ren still doesn’t want to give in yet. Poe has to guide Kylo’s hands to claw on his back, to stop Ren from digging nails into his own palms. The pleasure from time to time flashes in his dark eyes gives Poe the patience he needs for eternity.

     The gap between their bodies barely means something. Their hearts are beating the same frantic beat. And Poe knows they’re seeking the same thing. He takes all his courage to slide his hand down under the fabric, to touch the growing heat that spreads pleasure all his body. They are both hard now. Ren gasps because of the sudden contact. He arches up and bares his throat, it makes Poe stroke down deeper. From the tight jaws, Ren lets out a loud groan. It echoes across the room, dripping sweet sensation into Poe’s mind. Poe kisses him more, Poe moans louder, those wild sucking sounds seduce Kylo Ren into desiring Poe’s touch.

     “Ah… no! Wait.”

     Poe slithers down on his body and slips Ren’s cock into his mouth. Ren tries to push away, but it seems pointless after Poe yanks him in by his thighs. He lets them rest on his shoulders, to carelessly brush his fingers against those swollen red nipples, to slide his hands down the waist, the hip, to caress the inner thighs. If he truly was the one in control, he would suck it hard, drink every drop like his life depended on it only. Poe wants to milk him until he dries. But Poe needs to be patient. There is something in his life he shouldn’t just do. Poe doesn’t want this short moment. He wants Ren’s whole. Poe carefully tightens his lips, just enough to let them brush the sensitive skin, slowly. He can’t help curling his tongue to give that smooth tip a soft lick. The way Ren groans, with those fingers pulling his hair, the way his foot slides on Poe’s back like pressing him down into submission, it’s all very difficult for Poe. He finds himself rubbing his own cock on the cold floor, while laying down many gentle licks and kisses along Ren’s. Poe doesn’t want to waste more time for this. But a part of Ren still desperately tries to writhe out of the bottomless lust pit that has swallowed down both of them. His body is almost there, but his mind was still painfully far away from Poe.

     Out of sudden, Poe stops. Ren nearly cries out, when he crawls up to look him in his eyes. They both need to calm down from this, whatever this is. Poe patiently runs his finger through the raven hair, sorts out the tangle, brushes that messy strand behind Ren’s big ear.

     “What are you thinking?”

     Ren looks back at Poe with his watery brown eyes. They glitter with hurt, and hide behind fluttering long lashes like butterflies. Poe didn’t realize that same burning heat, about to roll down from his own eyes.

     “You.”

     In the silence, that word was just like something Kylo Ren carelessly let slipped through his mind. Ren gently brushes his thumb, cleans away that silvery shining streak left in the corner of Poe’s mouth. There is something warm on Poe’s lips. It’s the first kiss Ren gives him, just sweet and tender, and real. This pure innocence Poe gets, it’s more precious than the fresh taste of water in the killing heat of any sun. Ren’s mouth parts but Poe doesn’t dare to even touch those lips with his greedy tongue. He slips down, to kiss on his cheeks, on the corner of his mouth. Poe whispers to him.

     “Was I gentle with you? Was I a good lover?”

     “When you pretended to be.”

     “Hah…”

     Poe’s hands carelessly rest on his waist. Lay his head on Ren’s chest, Poe can feel the cold fingers softly combing through his hair, touching the bruises and scratches on his back, on his arms. Poe was ashamed when he was invited in Kylo Ren’s embrace.

     “I hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

     “Don’t be.”

     They start over again. Slowly and tenderly. His heart skips a beat every time Ren just carelessly lets out his tongue, for Poe to lick it unintentionally. From time to time, he looks at Poe, something like anxiety coils up in his eye. Poe wants to hold him, to gently calm him down and assure him. That Poe is really cherishing him, the precious of his life. That Ren is not mistaking it for a delusion in his mind.

     “Ah…”

     “Look how hard you are now.”

     “Please…”

     Poe tries to gulp the grunt down his throat. He prays for more control, to stop the hand is about to slide down to rub his hard cock. Ren’s moans become louder and more wanton when they lace their fingers together, when Poe turns to kiss on his forehead, his cheek, his ear.

     “Poe please… I want to…”

     “Tell me.”

     Poe lets him deepen their kiss, lets his tongue seek out for Poe’s. – “Tell me what you want.”

     Ren slides his leg on Poe’s butt, presses him down closer and closer, tell Poe to grind his cock on his. He holds him tight, like all he wants to do is to melt and soak into Poe.

     “I want you so bad Poe. I want you inside me.”

     His voice alone is like pure sex dripping all over Poe’s. He teases the tight entrance, before bringing the hot wet fluid on his finger inside Ren. It’s not taking him any time to find the sweet spot. His body really knows what it’s doing. One, and then two. Slowly, his body is starting to adjust. Poe moves his fingers, and Ren’s body seduces him with a luring dance. The way he arches his back, the way he pants, when he presses his hand on his heart, and runs the other through his own hair, the way he holds himself down. Poe swallows, tries to sooth his sore throat, then adds another finger in. He can see the desire is leaking out.

     “It’s ok. I’m not hurt. Do it Poe.”

     Poe can be a good lover. Really, he really wants to be good, for Ren, only for Ren. He lets Ren dig his nails in whatever he wants. He stops Ren every time he’s about to hurt himself. He holds Ren when he’s scratching, bruising him, when he pushes in, gently buries his cock all the way deep inside. Let that heat burns them both in each other’s arms.

     It’s so tight. Poe moves as slow as he can, carefully listens to the chaotic respond. Ren is still hurt. He once again avoids the kisses Poe lays down. It’s just that he can’t take this tenderness from Poe. Poe continues to be sweet like that, sooner or later Ren will believe this delusion to be true. What will he be if Poe suddenly disappears?

     “Harder…”

     His word hangs in the air. Poe starts to lose it. Ren grabs his butt, digs his heels onto Poe, he tries everything to have a little bit of control, even with just something like fucking. Ren throws away every pride and weakness, fights to free his arms from Poe’s grip. He flips them both, climbs on top to get that fast pace he wants.

     “Ahh… What’s the hurry?” – Poe can’t help but feel frustrated because of his stubborn lover. – “Why are you so hungry? They don’t feed you there?”

     Ren doesn’t say anything. He can’t even hide that painful sob. He has to use both hands to cover his mouth, foolishly hopes somehow it could take away just a bit of pain. All ten fingertips are white like they can burst out blood any moment. Yet Ren keeps slamming down on Poe’s cock like this could be the last time.

     “… Stop it now.”

     Poe rises up, just to hold him still. His body quivers in Poe’s embrace. It’s not smooth like the way Poe remembered but dotted with scars. The look on his face, the hair, the secrets in his eyes. Everything in him were soaking wet with suffer and tear. Time buried their memories without mercy. They both have changed. Poe can’t tell how Ren was taken away from him. He doesn’t have any idea who he is, what awful things he has been through without Poe by his side. He even doesn’t know how many years this man was taken away from him. And now they are here together. He somehow is in Poe’s hands. But no matter what Poe does, he can’t even convince Ren to just except his simple gentleness and care. Poe truly feels pity for himself.

     Poe kisses him again, kisses the bottom lip, bleeding because Ren sank his teeth in. He leans in, feels the heat spreading from their touching foreheads, to a point, he can’t separate their woven pains.

     “Please, stop it. It’s me.” – He holds Ren’s chin, to gaze into his confused brown eyes. – “Look at me. I _am_ Poe.”

     Ren freezes in his arms. He pants and stares at Poe, like something has struck him. He doesn’t say a word, just kiss Poe more so he doesn’t have to look into his honey eyes any longer. It’s still forceful, and rough. The way he grasps Poe’s neck, the way he pushes his tongue in temptingly, then pulls away and shoves Poe down on his back. Ren puts a hand on his chest, not letting Poe hug or touch his face. _Goddammit!_

     “You’re… skillful than I could recall.”

     “I got practice.”

     Ren struggles to finish his sentence. Those three words lace perfectly with the wanton moans. Something inside Poe snaps. He firmly grasps the hand pushing him down and flips them over. He licks Ren’s lips, then hisses into his ear.

     “Then… do you think about me?”

     Poe can’t help but take a bite when his face is buried in the curve of Ren’s neck. It is hard as the way he is rolling his hip down. Poe’s blood is boiling by the heat from Ren surrounds him. This time, Poe lets him have the rhythm he wants.

     “All the times… Ah…”

     “Even when you’re with another?”

     Ren is coming closer than ever. He doesn’t try to escape Poe’s gaze when Poe pulls his hair. Those dark eyes are wet with water, he looks up at him like Poe is pouring sweet honey over his body.

     “You are the only man that ever touched me.”

     Poe comes inside of Ren. He keeps pushing in, buries every bit of his in him and makes Ren melt all over their bodies. He couldn’t hold it when Ren looked at him that way. He actually saw Poe, the way Poe sees him, like he truly believed he was being loved, by Poe. That was it. That was the answer he wants. Poe can die now knowing that Kylo Ren, or whoever he is, was his lover. They just look at each other until the moment Ren bursts into tears.  

     “Calm down now. I’m here. I’m here with you.”

     Poe holds him in his arms, puts an unwavering kiss on his lips and receives a lover without any hesitation or doubt. In some part of him, jealousy is spreading like hot ash in the wind. He envies the old Poe Dameron, someone he can’t even remember, the person in the past that had the love of Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you had a happy Starwars day. Because I really don't know if I should write sex scene anymore. T___T


	6. Be Honest with Me

     “Hey, what are you thinking?”

     The night was silence and Poe couldn’t tell if he just said something out loud. In the soft moonlight, everything turned hazy. Felt like they had drunk dry each other’s sober mind. Poe sat down on the edge of the small bed. He leaned in closer, sorting out the knots, the tangles on the silky hair. Exhaustion, pain, and headaches were unavoidable. Poe let out something like a love sigh, and then tried to smile at him. He should have let him rested, but he just couldn’t help wanting to lift his chin up, to look at him in his beautiful brown eyes.

     “You know… I’m supposed to have a flight test tomorrow. If I fail, how many drinks are you gonna buy to compensate me then?”

     The pillow, and their clothes were on the floor. He was holding a corner of the blanket, trying not to let it completely fall off from the bed too. He pulled it up but Poe was sitting on it. He shied away from Poe’s look, dozily grabbed the torn up shirt, to cover those red marks and pink patches were dotted all over his pale skin. More than that...

     Just like he thought. Poe was so upset, because the boy wasn’t even clearheaded enough to hide them decently. He wished he would have peeled him naked days ago, no matter how angry he would be. The scars all over his body were not healing properly. Poe could still smell the emergency medicinal powder in the spiky taste of alcohol and girl’s perfume. He hadn’t even bothered to visit a doctor.

     Seriously, Poe just wanted to bite him hard, to leave a permanent mark on that skin, or just sink his teeth in deep until he has to yell out. _Always a stubborn kid, aren’t you?_ Until this moment, he still didn’t know how to open his mouth or how to take care of himself. Poe just didn’t care anymore, he grabbed his shoulders, ripped down his shirt, revealed the broad chest and toned arms. Even if the boy beat him to death right then and there, at least he was not pretending to ignore Poe.

     “What are you doing?”

     The boy was having hangover, and now this, being flipped over onto the bed without Poe saying anything. He wasn’t the calm one from the begining. If it wasn’t because Poe was having advantage, he would probably have punched him in the face.

     “Poe Dameron, what do you think you’re doing?”

     Poe was just staring at his back, bit his lips like any moment he could burst into tears. The boy tried to turn his head, yell out Poe’s name. Poe couldn’t tell if that’s the alcohol or the anger, his skin was flushed, and hot against Poe’s hand. The attempt to fight back went away quickly, after Poe decided to sit on him. He pressed down hard, perhaps too hard, on those chaotic messy wounds. _God dammit!_ He couldn’t reach the back so he didn’t even bother to powder them. The blood on those weren’t completely dry. The boy let out a loud groan, because of the shock, and then collapsed onto the bed, buried his face and the whimpers in the pillow.

     “Now you can feel pain?”

     Poe softened down but still kept his hand on his back. He was so mad, he didn’t even know where to begin.

     “Why didn’t you open your mouth before and yell at me like you just did? You even shouted and danced with girls when we drank. You obviously can’t stand that kind of thing. What exactly are you trying to prove?”

     His eyebrows furrowed like they were about to meet. He couldn’t help feeling hurt, and hopelessly impotent. The boy didn’t say a word, just gently hugged the pillow like a promise he was done fighting.

     “Did it even occur to you that maybe I really need to know about _this_ , and I want to know what is going on with you, that maybe I really care about you?”

     Seeing he didn’t retort, Poe knew he was crying. Part of him was furious, but the rest of him was heartbroken. The boy kept hiding away and Poe didn’t know what to do now. He was so used to pamper and spoil him as long as he could remember, Poe just could never be able to act tough with him for long.

     “I’ll… take care of those.”

     Poe ran to his drawer, brought back with him everything he had. Cotton, bandages and healing cream. He kept showing up with new injuries, Poe once considered saving money for proper nursing equipment or a machine. And for some strange reasons, he didn’t let Poe bought even the least fancy one. Those were the only things the boy allowed Poe to use on him.

     That stubborn kid didn’t seem to move a limb. He’s lying on the bed, the shirt wrapped around his waist, showing his whole torso. He didn’t care to turn or move when Poe sat down next to him.

     “Don’t drink when you’re hurt.”

     The alcoholic smell of sterilizer quickly got to his brain. Poe slid his hand as gently as he could. He tried to clean the powder and sweat off, sometimes let his bare fingers unintentionally brushed his skin up and down. Poe applied the cold cream blankly. He kept staring at the body below him like he was hypnotized.

     If he hadn’t watched him closely, he would have still been with that brunette, drinking and… doing things ‘til now.

     “If they had told you to go racing tonton you’d probably have agreed to. Thank god I brought you home.”

     Right! Home, his home. Poe couldn’t exactly explain why they were at his place when he already knew how to get to the boy’s house. Poe told himself simply because he told him he didn’t want to go back there anyway. But the truth was, for some reasons, Poe felt uneasy stepping in, or just being near that place. And he really didn’t want to leave him alone, or being alone right now.

     “Just a little bit more. I’m almost done.”

     Poe was grateful that he’s almost done, because maybe he was getting used to this a little bit too much, and started enjoying himself. The cream could do a great job, but with this much injured, Poe could tell he’s going to have scars. It’s inevitable, they both knew that. Not like it really mattered anyway. It’s just Poe had been trying so hard to forget how much pain they both had to endure. He ran his fingers down his lower back, inattentively, Poe sighed.

     “Your parents are looking for you…”

     The body beneath him was still not moving. He seemed determined on letting Poe went on with his monologue, and whatever he was doing with his hand. Only when Poe combed through his hair, did he let his body shifted just for a brief second. Poe couldn’t help but put a kiss on his head. He let himself savored the familiar scent, and the warm softness between his fingers, when he whispered to him, when he let his breath distractedly fondled the hot flushed skin.

     “I’m talking to you. You think you can play dead with me forever?”

     “I don’t want to go back there anymore.”

     The boy sank deeper into the bed, like he wished he could had melted and soaked down the floor. Maybe because of the alcohol, Poe didn’t understand entirely what they had been talking about, yet somehow, the feelings were sharp in his heart, his clouded mind knew exactly what to say, to think, and remember.

     “Did somebody say something?”

     “There is too much darkness in me.”

     “Who told you that? I swear I will teach them a lesson myself.”

     Poe knew that was not true at all. To him, the boy was always like a dying star. Intense, unstable, and dangerous because of the scorching flame. But the light in him could burst out beautiful like an alluring nebula, if you had the courage to look at him. God! He wished he was unselfish enough to share the real _him_ with somebody. But really, he just wanted to keep the boy for himself, be the one he comes back to, be the only one who has his smile. If only he could really become that one.

     “You got into brawls or did you get all of these while training?”

     The boy didn’t say anything. It had been over a year, Poe thought both of them must have got used to this arduous change, being separated, and seeing each other every time the moon was full. But it’s still hard, sometimes it felt like their planets had turned the wrong way. Poe let his fingers travel up his nape ‘til they touched the silky hair, then slowly slid his way down, again, and again. Every time like this moment, when he realized they were going to be at two sides of many-star-systems, for how many more years no one could tell, he couldn’t help wondering if he had chosen the wrong thing to do.

     “You know, maybe we can just run away. Have a whole new life, leave everything behind. We can be whatever you want. Friends, brothers, companions… Partners…”

     Poe smiled. For a peaceful future he knew he could bring him. If only he let Poe. If only he let him say it out loud.

     “You can have a garden, and a big tree like you’ve always wanted. I will take care of you. Feed you… Comfort you.

     The boy lifted his head up, to turn to his side. His eyes dropped at Poe’s hand on the bed. It was the only thing that kept Poe from crashing down onto him, while the other hand was just lingering somewhere near his waist. Poe couldn’t see anything resembled emotions in those brown eyes, nothing but dried tear.

     “Why did you let me stay with you?”

     Poe should have had the courage to tell him, but instead he could only say, something tasteless and platitudinous like a broken promise: “I will not let anyone hurt you.”

     “Do you enjoy patching up wounds?”

     “Why do you always come to me?”

     “Why did you learn to cook when you didn’t have to?”

     “Why do you pretend to like drinking and parties?”

     “Why do you always stare at me?”

     “How do you know every time I watch you?”

     The boy said, buried the sorrow deep down the pillow. – “Han and Leia asked you to look after me, didn’t they?”

     “That is never the reason why I look at you.”

     He sat up to look straight into Poe’s burning eyes. That same tone, that familiar echoing voice again. Poe could literally feel the heat from the aching soul was melting on his own skin. He was so close, they were just inches away. Yet his calm and cold voice kept pouring, like he was talking about somebody far far away.

     ”You will do anything they tell you.”

     “Why do you just have a temper all of a sudden?”

     “You want me to leave, Poe…?”

     There was something, he knew clearly. But to say it out, or hear the answer directly and frankly, was a whole another different thing…

     They just couldn’t resist the temptation of hurting each other.

     “Why don’t you sleep with me anymore?”

_How could I, after something I did to you…_

     “You don’t want it first, Poe.”

     “It’s because you can’t sleep every time I’m around…”

     He couldn’t look at Poe’s eyes any longer. In the night, there was nothing but the sound of them breathing calmly, steadily, and their frantic hearts wanting to explode into millions pieces. Poe unconsciously grabbed his shoulders tight, desperately like it’s the only way to keep him stay.

     “What are you thinking?”

     “Please stop asking me.”

     The frustration Poe had tried to suppress, now rose up like tide waves. He was drowning in his own tear. He was suffocated, felt like he could cry out blood and agony.

     “Do we have to be like this?”

     “You _know_ why.”

     His eyes were wide open again. He looked at Poe calmly. Tears glistened in his devastatingly tempting eyes, but they were too stubborn to roll down. Poe could feel he himself was hurting him, because the pain in his chest was killing Poe. He obstinately held his chin tight, Poe just wanted those eyes to keep looking at him.

     “I don’t know why.”

     “You are drunk, Poe.”

     “Drunk or not, you know me well. Tell me. Say it to me.”

_You know you come to me because you always do. You know I leant to cook, because I know you don’t like eating salty and spicy instant things when no one is around feeding you. You hate being near people or asking anyone for just one favor. You know I know it too. You tried to go to parties with me because I was stupid enough to ask you to, and you never want to let me down. You know why I don’t let myself sleep next to you anymore. I look at you, because I can’t stand it every time somebody talks to you, or let their shoulders brush against yours. You know more than anything, I was looking at you, because sometimes, you couldn’t help wanting to look at me._

     “Just stop it.”

     His body was shaking. The words came out of his mouth were shaking.

     “Why? What would happen if I say it out?”

     “Please don’t! Now we are friends. Say it out loud, we will become nothing but strangers to each other.”

     His body, his voice melted in Poe’s hands like wanting to give in. Yet Poe couldn’t find the strength to keep him from slipping away. He collapsed down, and hid in the blanket. He turned his face to the wall, away from Poe.

     “Or maybe, you’re just being nice to me.” – _Maybe, we already were nothing…_

     Poe was hurt because his love was too stubborn to be honest with him, but he was angrier with himself for not realizing sooner, what was going on in their minds. They wanted each other in their lives. They both knew the other had already known, yet neither one of them had the courage to say anything. He and Poe was just a couple of faint hearts.

     Poe climbed on the bed, he held him in his embrace.

     Between them there was only a thin blanket. And Poe could feel the boy was letting himself got closer to him. He couldn’t tell their heartbeats apart. Their bodies, their minds, everything was longing, to feel their hearts were killing them. It was painful, so much that they wanted to burst into tears. Yet they both just wanted to keep holding on.

     “Even if it’s hopeless, I know the universe will always bring you back me. We can’t be friends, or companions, we can always become something else.”

     “Poe…”

_Wake up!_

 

***

     Kylo Ren lifts his hand up, to get out of his tight grasp. Poe can still feel the scent of his silky hair, the heat from his back against Poe’s chest, and in his body. His arms, his legs, his heart. Everything is still tingling from the feeling of Ren’s pulse. He almost didn’t realize the urge to reach out, to hold Ren from leaving. Putting on his shirt, he doesn’t even turn back or take a glance at Poe. The echoing voice is smooth, and cold like wind in the moonlight.

     It’s the strange feeling you have when you wake up without remembering what you just dreamed about.

     “Stay if you must…”

     All you have left, are some fragments of emotion in the beating heart, and the uncertainty of what is real, what is just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I tried to write something just sweet and fluffy to lighten things up a little bit. But then I didn't realize I let it turned out to be like this.


	7. Nines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you start, I just want to say that it's all ok.

     “How are you feeling, Sir?”

     “Just a little bit tired. I’ll be fine soon.”

     Today is a strangely unpleasant day for FN-2199.

     It’s not the first time Nines and the other stormtroopers go on some side missions for Kylo Ren. He had no problem at all even the first time, from when they started years ago. He isn’t usually the type who likes to ask a lot of questions. But to be honest, he can’t help but feel a little bit uneasy every time he gets to see Kylo Ren’s face. Seriously, Kylo Ren lets go of his mask just means bad and a whole new level of exhausting for them. Nines really wishes his master just goes on destroying stuff like he always does. At least that way, he doesn’t make them feel worried.

     Nines has never seen Kylo Ren like this before. Sweat dampened the messy hair, but he is shivering, and his skin is much paler than Nines remembers. His eyes are red and puffy, but his cheekbones are just as sharp as knives. Ren looks so thin and fragile, Nine can’t even believe his own eyes. Does he even have to remind his master to eat or something? If he doesn’t know better, Nines feels like he could actually break him just by touching. Ren hasn’t changed much since the day he met him. He almost forgot how much time has passed and how old he has become. He can’t believe that was so many years ago.

 

 

     The day he got to meet The Master of the Knights of Ren, he was still at the First Order Academy. He had a few drinks and an ‘intense’ sparring session that night. Nines thought he was seriously drunk and couldn’t believe his eyes, when he saw the black hooded figure standing in front of him. He thought that was it, ‘this is the end’, another test that he would definitely fail. Hearing that voice echoing in the room, Nines couldn’t help but wish it was just a dream.

     “FN-2199…”

     “Yes Sir.”

     “You are one of the top 1 percent among the cadets, expert with tactics, blaster, hand-to-hand combat and weapons. Yet you signed up to be a riot control trooper.”

     Nines was shocked that Kylo Ren asked him about this, or to be honest anything at all. He had thought that no one would actually care about him or his decision.

     “As you said Sir, I’m one of the 1 percent. Not the top one.”

     They were supposed to be an elite squad, together. Him, “Zero”, “Slip”, and FN-2187. Nines did have a good record. Better than most people could have. Their life as cadets was cruel and cutthroat, yet he barely needed to worry about being terminated all his life. On the contrary, he should have been proud, if it’s not because of that asshole.

      “Is that why you didn’t join FN-2187 to be a model stormtrooper?”

     There’s always bitterness when it came to him. Nines never tried his best at the academy for the sake of his life or to serve the First Order. Frankly, he did everything he could just because he wanted to beat FN-2187, there exceptional leader.

     “Z6-baton and hand-to-hand combat is the only thing I could have a small chance of beating him, Sir.”

     My God! Nines really hated it, the feeling when he kept being beaten by the same person, no matter how hard he tried. He had come to that decision to be a riot trooper when he didn’t know what to do with his life. And then there they were, Kylo Ren removed his helmet to look at him face to face. That moment, when he realized The Ren Master was not a disfigured old man, that he was just a man not much older than he was, Nines’ life suddenly didn’t make any sense. He just stood there and looked up at Ren, for some time that felt like forever. He thought he had a concussion. Because he saw sadness, buried deep in the dark brown eyes.

     “What do you feel about him?”

     Wow! What the fuck did he feel about his squad leader? Goddammit. Nines spent most of his day trying at everything to be better, thinking about learning and training to someday be able to beat him, or simply, just sitting on the bench, waiting for a chance that Phasma would pair them together, so he could have a chance to beat the shit out of him. Nines spent most of his night, thinking about him, about how irritating he was, how he always cared for “Slip”, if Nines wasn’t exhausted enough to just pass out in his bed and have dreams about losing to him. And everyone was just Eight-Seven this Eight-Seven that. Oh what a model stormtrooper! Nines’ life was just spinning around him, and his goodness, and it drove Nines completely crazy. Exactly, what the fuck should he say about FN-2187?

     “He… is good, Sir, as you already know. He also has too much empathy. He cares about his teammates more than accomplishing the mission objectives.”

     “… Is that why you love him?”

     …

     Nines didn’t know you could actually drain somebody’s blood with just one sentence.

     “Sir?”

     Nines really wished somebody had hit him hard on the head, or he was just drunk enough for this kind of delusion to crack his thick skull open wide. He was so terrified that he didn’t even care to ask himself how the fuck Kylo Ren knew about it. Every part of his brain just tried to figure out, should he even say something, or perhaps try to fire up his weapon and fight. But seriously, he would have needed more than a miracle to survive The Master. The smartest move he could come up with, which was also everything he ended up doing, was standing there and staring at Ren.

     “Don’t worry. I won’t say anything. As long as you do the same thing, if you choose to walk away from this conversation without accepting my proposal.”

     His voice was smooth, like icy water pouring down on Nines’ head. It painfully slapped him out of his clouded mind, emotionless, yet somehow drawing him with comforting sympathy.

     “Do I really have a choice now, Sir?”

     “You always do. That’s why I am talking to you.”

 

 

     “Report to me.”

     Nines tells The Master everything he seems like has already known.

     “We are safe for now, they didn’t find out. Hux sent a squad to the wreckage. They only care to chase down FN-2187 and the droid. They are still looking for them.”

     “Anything about the weapon?”

     “It is almost ready now. We still don’t know what the target might be.”

     Kylo Ren lets out a small sigh. It is soft but enough to reveal the exhaustion is heavy in his voice.

     “You did well. Thank you, Nei.”

     Nines is pretty sure his master can read minds. He doesn’t know why a man who can sometimes see the future would need his help on this kind of information. Looks at him distractedly struggling to put on his outer robe, Nines can’t help but questioning himself. Seriously, what happened to his master last couples of hours ago? The Master of the Knights of Ren might strike as the dangerous kind with unpredictable temper. But make no mistake, he’s definitely not the emotionally unstable type that full of fear, weakness, and will burst into tears for some predictable reasons at all. Yet Nines swears he can sense the chaos in Ren’s mind from across the star system.

     “Sir, if I may ask, the prisoner, is he…”

     “Was...”

     Ren isn’t even capable of shielding himself or his emotions.

     “It was a long time ago.”

     Nines knows that feeling well.

     The first time he really talked to his master about it, it was quite a long time ago, too. In fact, it was the reason Nines truly became close to him from the first place. The pain of a hopeless love. Nines was borned to be betrayed by someone he cares for.

 

 

     “What would you do if I tell you, that you will die because of the one you love?”

     It’s kind of make sense to Nines.

     “I can never be with him anyway. Why does it have to matter?”

     “You don’t seem surprise.”

     He wasn’t. Deep down he could feel things will turn out to be that way, and Nines had even accepted it then.

     “He has always been distant, separated from the rest of us. Not just because he is the team leader. He’s just… an outsider. He doesn’t want to belong. Maybe that’s why I don’t belong to him.”

 _Fuck_! That came out way more pathetic than he had thought it could. _‘I don’t belong to him’?_ Nines felt embarrassed and a little bit scared, not knowing why he suddenly let it slipped through his mind, or how it made him looked then. _How could somebody like Kylo Ren know about something like that?_ But that moment, Nines didn’t realize, he didn’t think too much about it, when he heard The Master said:

     “I know.”

      “I guess you already knew about the simulation, too. The time he ordered me and Zero to split up, draw enemy fires. Just so he could save Slip and be the hero. We could have failed, and die in the real battlefield. Why should I be surprise if one day he betrays someone’s life like me for him to have his virtue? I guess I’m just another trooper like thousands and millions other stormtroopers. He has doubts from the beginning, about the propaganda, about the First Order, about all of this already.”

     “And you?”

     Nines never hated him because he would betray The First Order. He couldn’t care less about that shinny tin can, or that soulless ginger pet of the Supreme Leader. Nines was hurt, because someday, he will betray him, the FN-2199 stormtrooper. And the word ‘teammate’ will someday become meaningless enough for them to just kill each other.

     “I told you. It doesn’t matter. I’m a dead man anyway.”

     Nines was nothing to him then, and someday will become less than nothing to him.

_But honestly, who the fuck cares!_

     “What if I tell you I am the one who will turn him into a traitor?”

     The Master felt sorry for him, enough to think it was his fault. That thought in Kylo Ren’s head was almost adorable to Nines, he couldn’t help but let out a laughter.

     “With all due respect, Sir... He is already who he is.” – Some righteous pain-in-the-neck fucking asshole that he couldn’t understand why he had felt for. –  “And I am nothing but an inferior to him.

_Even when I live my life trying to beat him…_

     “Don’t ever lower yourself Nines. You will die because of him, but trust me when I say this, you can and you will beat him. Be loyal to me, and I will guide you to become the best you can be.”

     He didn’t think The Master would care for someone like him. Nines must say, it was way promising than any of Hux’s speech and a way better service than he could ever wanted for himself. Betray the political and military faction that he didn’t even care about from the first place, the one that raised him to become a tool for itself; and to occasionally do something in secret for a new master, who promised to show him how much better he can be, so he can beat FN-2187 right before he die. Sounded good to Nines. Besides, Kylo Ren seemed honest, and decent enough. The Master even talked to him equally. It’s nice to have someone whom he could consider a friend, no matter how ‘loosely’ the consideration might be.

     “That is all I want to know, Sir.”

     And it was like a new life was waiting for him then.

     After that day, Nines didn’t hear anything from Kylo Ren for months. Until out of the sudden, The Master took him to an unheard of star system, and started teaching him about all kinds of stuff, even something crazily unimaginable like mind tricks, how to read and block someone’s memory.

 

 

     “Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt.”

     Poe Dameron jumps out from a corner, right the moment Nines decides to help The Master with his robe and his belt. He was certain the room was empty, and he had waited for more than 10 minutes before Kylo Ren walked in. How the hell didn’t he spot out the prisoner? _Wow!_ Seriously, Nines can’t tell if that Resistance pilot was really bad at spying, or just plain awful at trying to get attention from Kylo Ren.

     “You don’t have to worry. He’s friendly.”

     The Master doesn’t seem surprise. Nines can’t tell, from the strange cold and calm tone, if he was talking to him or the prisoner.

     “Can we talk?” – The pilot seems hesitate.

     “I should go.”

     “Stay, Nines!”

     Kylo Ren stares at him. And Poe Dameron stares at him like he can’t wait to hang Nines from a flying X-wing.

     “Just say what you want.” – Ren keeps his back to the prisoner. He raises his arms, tells Nines to continue helping him with his belt.

     What the fuck did he just get himself into?

     “Right. Then…  do your man have anything to say about this little habit of yours?”

     Oh great! Now those two just decide to pull him into the middle of their thing. Nines can’t wait to hang himself from a flying X-wing.

     “It’s not a habit. And no one will remember or know anything.”

     Poe must have no idea, that Kylo Ren are more than capable of controlling a bunch of people to do whatever he wants, then wiping their minds completely like nothing has ever happened at all. Even when his master doesn’t want to do it, Nines positive can do one or two guys for him.

     “So it’s ok for you to just… go out and… ‘find’ the enemy?”

     “They are busy finding your droid, Poe.”

     Nines really didn’t sign up for this stuff.

     “Don’t worry. They have the order to retrieve, unharmed. Not to mention the ‘hardware problems’ we’re having. If you’re really as good as I think you are, you can even bring it back in time for your Resistance.”

     Nines isn’t sure what is going to happen now. How the hell can he know! All three of them just stand there for how much time he can’t tell. Nines looks at them staring at each other in the silence, yet the insufferable heat between those two is killing him.

     “… I want to go.”

     He didn’t get out of his drama to be caught into his master’s drama. But he doesn’t even get the chance to take one step, before Kylo Ren pulls him back and whispers to him.

     “Please…”

     Nines can’t believe what he just heard. Kylo Ren just said ‘please’ to him.  This is serious, whatever it is. Nines can’t be a part of this.

     “Sir, I am your spy. Not your emotional support girlfriend.”

     “Nei, I need you to…”

     No. He needs to go.

     “I’ll just be right outside. I can still hear everything…”

     It isn’t the first time Nines sees his master loses his calmness, but it’s the first time he gets to see the panic spreads inside that mind. He must say, he feels a little bit sorry for his master. They should face their own problems. But if it was him instead of Kylo Ren, if he has to face FN-2187 like this right now, Nines can never know what kinds of thing he could do to make a fool out of himself.

     “I don’t know if I can...”

     “You’ll have to, Sir. But I promise, I will pull you out if things go wrong.”

     And just like that, Nines walks down the curved corridor, leaving behinds Kylo Ren alone with the best pilot of the Resistance, the escaped prisoner whom they extracted under the search of The First Order, the person Nines’ sure has the power to make his master out of his mind.

 

***

     “So… where are we going?”

     Nines is standing in the main hallway. The corridor is long but in this empty spaceship with nothing but dull humming noise, he can still listen clearly. Plus his master doesn’t trust himself enough to let down the seal door.

     “Goazon.”

     “Goazon? The crash site?”

     Nines doesn’t feel comfortable doing this at all. But the situation is already complicated enough, with them risking their safety for a wanted fugitive. They can’t afford any slip, when a frightened Kylo Ren has to deal with his lover-enemy.

     “I understand we’re not exactly Romeo and Juliet here but a lift would be nice…” – _Yeah, no fucking way!_ – “And perhaps we can stay in touch… see how things go.”

     His master better not fall for that honey trap. The temptation in Poe Dameron’s voice is sincere enough to cover the fact that he wants information from Ren. They are still enemies after all.

     “You haven’t changed. Still thinks with your dick, Poe.”

     “But it’s quite honest don’t you think?”

     “It’s not Poe. You thought about Finn when you fucked me.”

 _Ah!_ So that’s who he is. A betrayer.

     “That’s not how… I was just worried. That you might have killed him.”

     The space is so quiet, Nines can hear their scrambling hearts. He almost didn’t realize the pain rising in his own soul. He feels even Poe knows that was a weak argument. At least this fool is not stupid enough to hope Kylo Ren would actually believe him. Who would have though The Master of the Knights of Ren is another broken heart, just like him! Maybe this is the reason why his master has sympathy for him from the first place.

     “Was that why you leave…? Because I cheated on you?”

_Poe doesn’t even remember what he did?_

     “You are far worse than a cheater, Poe.”

     Kylo Ren is hiding something from them. The distance can’t dilute the unsettled emotions in his mind. Nines can still sense the pain, the anger from here, so fresh and vivid like it was just yesterday, not a long time ago. The day Nines found out about his fate, he didn’t get to have this feeling. And he is the one who supposes to die because of the one he loves someday. The thing between these two is much more messed up than he thought. Nines can’t help but wonder. _What exactly did this person do to Kylo Ren?_

     Both haven’t said anything for too long now. _What time is it? How much time have they talked for?_ It’s been a long day for all of them, and the endless silence is torturing everyone. His master and the pilot don’t know what to do next, but Nines knows this is far from over for those two.

     “Hey… maybe, when all of this ends, you know… maybe… do you want to start over…” - _Oh here we go again… Another meaningless promise of a future together._

     “Finn is alive and you two will meet again.”

     “We’ll be whatever you want…” - _A desperate hope of being forgiven, just simply by leaving their past behind._

     “When you wake up, Naka Iit and Ohn Gov will bring you home.”

     “Friends, companions…” – _Anything you want to be, just not lovers._

_What are you thinking, Poe Dameron?_

     “I know you are a good person, you could join...” - _Oh my god!_

     “When you get home, you will prepare for a strike on Takodana.”

 _Takodana!_ It’s The First Order’s next potential target. Kylo Ren is giving away the intel for The Resistance fighter.

     “The troops are planning to attack that place. That’s one of many things you want to know. That’s what you are hoping to get out of me. Isn’t it Poe?”

     It is too heartbreaking, for everyone to keep going. Nines doesn’t want to do this anymore. He just wants this to end.

     Did this man ever love Kylo Ren for real? Or all of this is just another show? To be merciful? Or just to get what he actually wants?

     “Come home with me.”

     “We all got work to do.”

_Hah! That’s right._

     Nines will have to go back there soon, back to be a disposable stormtrooper. Kylo Ren still needs to finish what he started. And they are still with The Resistance. We are still The First Order after all.

     “Then do what you gotta do. I will wait for you to come back.”

     “Don’t.”

     “Why?”

     “You might not love how things turn out. Between us. And… everything else.”

     Those two are just a couple of fainted hearts. Their hatred is deep enough for them to hurt each other, but not enough to stop them from loving.

     Nines doesn’t know what to feel for them now. This kind of love is what Kylo Ren helped him get over with, but now The Master himself doesn’t know to keep hold on, or just let go. They don’t know what should be done. But they still want to offer each other a little dishonesty. Poe deceives him, promises him a future together. Kylo Ren just lies, buries their secrets then walk away.  There are things Nines doesn’t know but one thing he can be sure about. His master erased Poe Dameron’s memories about him…

     “Tell me your name. Your real name.”

     “Kylo Ren.”

_The truth will only kill you. Because what you don’t know is never going to hurt you._

     His master still has feelings for Poe Dameron.

     “I know you. Admit it! I know you will always come back to me.”

     “We are at war. Don’t ever forget it.”

     “Is that why you don’t tell me your name? Is that why you want me to forget you?”

     ”I cannot promise you your future…”

     Kylo Ren still cares for him.

     The Master can say what he wants, that it is over for them, that he does what he does because of revenge. But he can’t lie, that he wants to protect them both from the truth. He wants Poe to have a chance to walk away.

     “I’ll bring you to hell with me if that’s what bothering you.”

     “What makes you think I’ll let you go to hell with me?”

     Kylo Ren doesn’t have enough courage to walk away first, to let go of Poe Dameron.

     “You hate me that much. Why don’t let me pay for what I did to you?”

     “Worse things than death are waiting for you.”

_Try to pretend as much as you want. Be cruel to him as long as you can. But in the end you will still love him. And you know he knows that too._

     “That’s a really bold claim.”

     “You already pushed me down to hell Poe.”

 

***

 

     Yesterday was truly a painful day, and the night on the ship was barely easy for anyone of them. At least Nines got a rest, and enough time to think about what he would do now. It’s one of many perks he gets when he goes on secret missions every now and then. Nines has an entire room for himself, with a big window look out to space, a decent bed, and a peaceful eight-hour sleep in quiescence, without any wake up drill in the middle of the night.

     Nines has just finished preparing the TIE fighter. They need to go back, and get ready for what’s about to come. Phasma has announced their next target early this morning. Maz Kanata’s castle, Nymeve Lake of Takodana, and they will soon be deployed. It might not be necessary but he feels like he should inform Kylo Ren. More important, Nines wants to make sure if he is ok.

     He goes up the stairs and catches his master standing in the dark, looking at Poe Dameron from up high. Poe is standing in the bay, waiting to get landing for Jakku. Their ship is about to leave. And things between them didn’t end well.

     “Use your carrier. Drop him off then go back to Starkiller Base.”

     Nines can’t tell if it’s the vast empty space, or there isn’t any emotion in his voice. He sounds cold, and soft like always, like nothing has happened to him. His master is back to be Kylo Ren again.

     “What about you Sir?”

     “Snoke is calling for me and Hux. Their strategy will change after the map is gone. We need to be more cautious now.”

     Nines can’t help but feel a little bit puzzled. A lot of troops, not to mention starfighters are going to be at Nymeve Lake hunting for the map. Even with a heads up, there is no way Poe Dameron can go there and escape from them again with the droid. Unless his master is planning on something. Seems like Kylo Ren is really going to let go of him.

     “Sir… Do you want me to do it?”

     Nines doesn’t need to read mind to understand what is going on with Kylo Ren. He knows the look. His master wants Poe Dameron to forget about him, about seeing each other again.

     “It’s ok Nei. After this is done, you don’t have to do anything for me anymore.”

     He is so sure from the dim reflection on the glass, he can sees the sadness, buried deep in the dark brown eyes. Nines almost forgot about it, that little detail. FN-2187 was believed to help the droid escaped the Niima Outpost back in Jakku. He is going to be there at the Castle too. Nines should have realized it sooner.

     “My time is about to come, isn’t it?”

     Down at the bay, from afar, Poe Dameron can’t help looking up high, to take a glance into the dark. The Master turns and looks at Nines. He doesn’t really need Ren to confirm or something. He can sense it clearly.

     FN-2187 has finally got what he always wanted. A new life is waiting for him now. He even got a name, a real name. _Finn._

     Nines likes that name. He sure Finn likes it too.

     “I’m sorry, Nei.”

     He smiles and wonders. – “Why? You know I will be free this time.”

     That’s right. He will be free for real. Free from The First Order, free from this life as a stormtrooper. No more fighting, no more serving. But most of all, free from his feeling, free from the haunting ghost of FN-2187. The joy, the excitement spreads to his cheeks. Nines and his master stand tall, look at each other for a while, before saying their farewell.

     “Thank you for your service.”

     “May the Force be with you, Sir.”

     His master will need it, for things that are waiting him in the future. Because when Nines is gone, it’s going to be rougher, and much lonelier for Kylo Ren.

_Oh my friend!_

     He had another sleepless night, didn’t he? The redness is showing in his eyes. _If you don’t want to eat, at least try to rest, will you?_ How can Nines be at peace if his master can’t take care of himself when there is so much he still has to do?

     “Before I go, can you tell me what happened to you, please?”

     Nines pledge his loyalty to him for sympathy, for something in each other they could call a friend. He was never bound to his master by anything. That’s why Nines still wants to do one last favor for Kylo Ren.

     “You want to know what he did?”

     Nines needs to know the truth. He doesn’t want his master turns out to be like him and Finn. It doesn’t have to be that way. Nines needs to find a way to stop Kylo Ren from doing something that could torment the both of them.

     The Resistance pilot walks toward their direction, with his eyes keep fixing on them. He can’t see Kylo Ren, but the longing in his soul is as sharp as the light shining on his face. It is a challenge of confrontation for his master. The way Kylo Ren returns the look, like there is something undeniable inside them are drawn to each other. But he doesn’t care, because the surrounding dark is veiling him.

     “I became what I am when we were 20. Because he abandoned me for a little girl. He was in love with a 10-year-old girl.”

     After all, in space, there is no one can hear you scream.

 

***

 

     That night, Poe Dameron wakes up after got thrown from the crash. No Finn, no ship, no memory. Nothing. He is lost and now alone in the harsh desert night of Jakku. The last thing he can remember was Finn ejected from the TIE fighter. And Poe was somehow conscious enough to guide it in for a crash landing. Then he simply just got up and left the wreckage. Poe was lucky enough to come across a Blarina named Naka Iit, a former podracer, now works as a scavenger on Jakku. He provides Poe a safe transport to Blowback Town, where he could be able to meet a merchant, Ohn Gos, and book a freighter to go back to their base. He needs to meet up with the Resistance as soon as possible. Because he knows The First Order is about to attack Nymeve Lake of Takodana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again 'That' was just a twisting misunderstanding. No need to gross out. Everything will be explained I swear.


	8. Love Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This and the next chapter were inspired by the song For Forever from Dear Evan Hansen.

     “Can’t sleep either?”

     “No. Actually we were having briefing, about the situation… and strategies.”

     Poe tries to hold back his sigh. He doesn’t want Finn to see the weariness in his eyes.

     “Oh… Okay! I’m sorry.”

     It’s a rare night, when the Resistance Base is tranquil and quiet. People around them are asleep, or trying to fight the somnolence, waiting for a sound, a change on their monitors. Out the landing field, the pilots are getting the X-wings ready. And the ones in charge are still discussing. But everybody is keeping it down. They all need a little bit of peace, in times like these.

     Poe smiles, when Finn doesn’t seem to know what to do or say after that moment. The last thing they need right now is another restless night. Tomorrow might be the last day of the Resistance if they don’t succeed. He’s just the Black Leader. But it’s almost 02:30. And usually, nothing good comes in the middle of the night.

     “Want a drink?”

 

     Being a fighter pilot, Poe doesn’t have much and he doesn’t ask for much. What he has now is more than he needs, a warm bed for the night. And Poe is always grateful, every time he’s able to come back alive, to lie down on his bed in his crappy room. It doesn’t have a window, and the shitty light makes it looks more like a prison to him. Poe wants to be in the sky right now, flying somewhere. Takodana was another victory, yet since he got back, Poe can’t help but feeling stirred inside. Something out there is calling for him.

     It should be. How could he remain pumped when he realizes that he hasn’t had anything done completely? Poe should have been frustrated for wasted his past months for nothing. The map he risked his life for is another fruitless effort. It’s only partially complete, and matches no charted system on record. There is no way they can find Luke Skywalker with just this thing.

     Well, at least he gets to go back for Takodana. At least, Han is finally here for the General. At least, perhaps he got a friend.

     “Poe. I can’t thank you enough. For letting me come. For what you did for me…”

     He doesn’t know exactly what to do with Finn here. Poe only has one cup for himself, that he barely uses in a long time. Finn sits down at the small table next to his bed. The way he takes the glass from his hand, Poe wonders, if the ex-stormtrooper has ever drunk before.

     “It’s the least we can do. It’s the least I can do for you, Finn.”

     Poe lets himself fall down the bed across from Finn and slowly kisses the bottle, little by little, to enjoy the sweet wine warm on his tongue. The corner of his blanket is touching the floor. He bends and picks it up, can’t remember why he left the bed undone. Finn raises the small glass with both hands. And gradually, Poe sees the worry is fading in his groggy eyes. They let themselves being comfort, to untangle their heads, and somehow, hopefully, forget about the reality.

     They are still waiting for the reconnaissance report on the enemy base. The commanders still need more evidence to confirm Finn’s information, about the weapon that destroyed the Hosnian system. The Starkiller Base.

     It’s another gamble for all of them, Poe thinks, a safety procedure or they are wasting precious time. Either way, something inside Poe feels relief. Not because he is scared of the mission. Poe wants to just go immediately and blow that thing up, get it over with as fast as he can, as soon as he’s allow to do so. But time is letting hesitation sprout on his mind. That thing calling for him, it feels less and less like the Resistance’s spirit, the eager to fight, to protect hopes and dreams. Waiting is always the hardest part. Because this time Poe fears he might be aware of it. The fact that really he doesn’t want to blow up that place.

     Why he doesn’t want to go? Just a few sips and Poe can’t even bring his thoughts together now. It’s the enemy base. But it’s still a planet for fuck’s sake. Finn said it’s icy and cold, and feels more like a wasted land. But there are forest, mountains, animals, all kinds of creatures, all kinds of species and races. And human. Millions of them. What if some of them are like Finn? What if there is someone could have been his friend, their ally? His brother or at least squad mate. Someone he grew up with or shared their childhoods. Someone he loves, someone cares for him?

     And… Seriously! Let’s not forget about the 20-page-long arguing report everyone on the table had for the night. What they are about to do, they are risking it being labeled as an act of galactic terrorism instead of self-defense. They might being looked at as some extremists trying to overthrow the government, who like to blow up expensive military bases, murder major political and military figures, then leave the civilians struggle with the aftermath in turmoil. Something like this is always followed by economic impact. Recession, economic crashes. The Galactic Trade Federation would probably take huge hits, causing supplies and resource shortages, industries collapses. It is shockingly unimaginable. Poe hasn’t brought himself to read the thing, but he is able know about this somewhat somehow already. War is always destructive. It’s painful for the dead, and an expensive suffer for the living.

     What the hell is he doing here? Poe was so lost in his thought, he almost forgot about Finn. Finn doesn’t seem to be aware of his… uncertainty. It’s just the two of them in the silence. And the calmness of the night is seeping in their minds. _Damn it!_ The wine was supposed to help him forget about everything from the first place.

     Poe leans back to take a look at the young man. The innocent in his eyes makes him seems like he had never killed anyone before. When he thinks about it, this actually is the first time Poe gets to see him, close, without having to worry about being shot or chased. Finn left the leather jacket back at his place, probably. Poe wonders how old he is. Twenty-ish? Twenty-five? Twenty-two? He can’t remember when he was that young. Poe he can’t recall… how long ago that was.

     “You like her?”

     Poe tilts his head and Finn looks at him like he just pulled Finn down the ground from high up in the stars.

     “Yes, I… We’re friends…”

     Poe has to admit the question was a little bit out of the sudden. Honestly, too sudden. It literally came out of nowhere. What can he say? Poe needs a distraction. He wants to forget he is a Resistance fighter, and forget Finn used to be the enemy. And right now, Poe swears he can see the pink shade is spreading on the smooth chocolate skin.

     “She and I… I know we’ve just met but I really care for her.”

     It’s cute to see someone stutter when it comes to the heart. Poe knows that kind of feeling. It’s just something like butterflies now. Doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t, a crush or perhaps a puppy-love someday, it’s just pure, fluffy, fresh, and so ‘young’.

     “It’s ok, Finn.”

     My god, Poe really misses those moments a lot. The seconds, you can feel your heart skips a beat, or pulls a string every time you hear somebody saying their names. A simple white shirt, a random smile can feel like sunshine, even when it’s not for you. An image from afar, a casual ‘hi’ can make your day a thousand times better. And a glance across a sea of people, the color of their eyes can somehow be an arrow to your heart and your soul.

     A crush like that can give you the strength to do all kinds of crazy thing only to see them and even more to see their smiles. You want them to know, but then you don’t want them to find out. You want to be more, but you don’t ever want you two to change. Maybe it is enough. Because you don’t have to care if things are ever going to work out, and how long before you two saying to each other ‘goodbye’. Sometimes you don’t even have to care if that person is going to say no, because you never told them your feeling, or admitted it to yourself from the first place. It’s just you, and the chaos exploding in your beating heart, for as long as you want. You can have it, for as long as your friendship can be.

     She’s probably Finn’s first crush. Must feel like a fairy tale to him. A boy escaped from the evil step-Order, to go on an adventure, to fall for a lovely princess from the first sight, and to go on a quest to rescue her and bring her to his new home. Poe looks at him grins, scratches his head, and he lets the young love warms his mind. He’s allowed to do so because they are going to help him rescue his princess after all. Poe is so jealous right now. But he bets he is just too old for it. He should have poured more for Finn.

     “… Do you think… we can actually save her?”

     Maybe Poe should have poured less for Finn.

     “Don’t think about it too much. We all need rest. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day.”

     “I know. I just can’t sleep. I can’t even remind to close my eyes…”

     Things sometimes have the tendency to escalate quickly in Poe’s life. Only a few minutes ago, Finn was a man in love, who was so happy that he could die, and now he seems like he’s about to cry his eye balls out and melted into tears. The young man was having too much anxiety to sleep, and now Poe made him too depressed to hold on without his girl.

     It was selfish of Poe to drag Finn into this. The guilt is pounding his clouded mind. If he wants to escape from life, he should do it alone. Poe was too much of a coward to admit he feels lost, that he was lonely, and empty deep inside. Drunk or sober, let go or not let go. Poe doesn’t want to be like this anymore. He doesn’t even know what he is trying to fight. He feels like a leaf being flushed by the current, without knowing anything and unable to escape or control. He just does whatever he has always remembered to be doing. _This is just stupid!_ He shouldn’t have asked Finn to drink with him.

     God! This is his fault. What the hell is he going to do now?

     “You know what could help? When I was younger, I used to listen to songs before I went to bed, every time I…”

     “Song?” – Thank god that he stopped sobbing.

     “Yeah. I know it’s weird but it actually can help you. I think…”

     Poe didn’t dare to hope that this could miraculously work. He’s glad Finn didn’t go fully drunk before he came up with anything else more stupid than music to cheer him up. But Poe has always loved music, everybody knows that. It had always been a part of his life, ‘til the day it no longer is.

     “How did you even come up with that idea?”

     Let’s be honest, they sounds like a couple of fools now.

     “I can’t remember… It’s been quite a long time.”

     Feels like a lifetime ago. Poe can’t believe he has stopped doing it. Guess that everything changes. Poe can pretend to be bubbly. But after all, he knows he’s not a sweet innocent boy anymore. There’s no time for dream and music for a soldier, fighting the dark for what is right.

     “What did you listen to? What’s your favorite song?”

_Um…_

     “Depends on what I want to dream about actually.”

     Finn looks like he just blew his mind. His jaw drops and his brows furrow, to a point like he can’t believe what Poe is saying.

     “That’s right.”

     Well… Poe was bluffing there and making things up as they went. But a little placebo effect can really help a drunk dude sometimes. A stormtrooper doesn’t seem like a person would have the luxury to enjoy nice things. Poe heard they were all taken from their families, as babies, to be trained and programmed by the First Order. Frankly, he was kind of surprised that Finn even got the chance to know what music is.

     Poe looks into his drawers, and finally sees the music headset.

     “Here!” – He adjusts the setting and plays the first thing that popped to his mind. Hopes the player is still good. – “Maybe this could help you.”

     A classical piece, written when human couldn’t even fly out to space. He doesn’t let anyone knows that he enjoys these kinds of thing. Mostly because… he wants this for himself. To him, music is music. It makes you feel, who you are, time and space, what you do or desire, is never a matter. And it’s too beautiful for him to share, or to let anybody looks at it in a way that upsets him.

     It’s nice to see Finn is enjoying it. Poe remembers himself smiled like an idiot after the first minute of the song, like the way he is doing right now. He still has it somewhere in his foggy mind.

 

_“All we see is sky, for forever._

_We let the world past by for forever._

_Feels like we could go on for forever this way._

_This way._

_All we see is light for forever._

_Cause the sun shines bright for forever._

_Life will be all right for forever this way…_

_You and I, on a perfect day.”_

 

     “Wow!”

     “Yeah! I know.”

     There’s nothing catchy or too unique about the song, nothing special but the meaningful simplicity in the lyric and the combinations of notes, the mellowness it brings.

_We just talk, and take in the view. You look around and say to me, ‘There’s nowhere else I’d rather be’ and I say ‘Me too’…_

     It’s not another castle in the air. It’s just a capture of an emotion that everybody has, the ways the melody goes up and down.

     “What is it about?”

     Poe tells Finn everything he can recall, which isn’t much.

     “It’s about two best friends spent their last day together before saying goodbye.”

     There was something more about it though, in the whole musical set pieces. But he didn’t care to find out. Honestly, Poe doesn’t think there’s somehow he could have loved the song more than he already does.

     2:45, Poe can still remember how this is his favorite part.

 

_“_ _And there he goes_

_Racing toward the tallest tree._

_From far across the yellow field I hear him calling ‘Follow me’._

_There we go_

_Wondering how the world might look from up so high._

_One foot after other._

_One branch then to another._

_I climb higher and higher._

_I climb until the sun shines on my face…”_

 

_Fuck!_

     Poe has reached out to turn the player off. It gets him every single time, his heart pounds faster and faster with the beat ‘til it can’t hold on anymore and explodes. He thought he had got it over with. What is happening to him now? Poe tries to snap out of it fast, not realizing the confusion on Finn’s face.

     “Are you okay?”

     “Yeah! I, uh…”

     Suddenly the song feels too personal for Poe to take. Probably it’s just the clichéd lyric that made him unsettled. There’s always the field, always racing, and chasing, always climbing the big tree. Yet Poe can’t believe he was about to cry. After so many years he’d never thought about it, now it feels like, the two friends were trying to die together, leaving everything behind for a more beautiful new life.

     Poe can’t handle something like that at this moment.

     “Here, take it.” – He flashes the brightest grin he can manage and gives Finn the player – “I hope you like it.”

_I hope I’m just too drunk._

     “Yeahh! It really helps me.”

     That’s the funny thing about being drunk. Enough of wine can make you happy, help you forget about every sad little thing in real life. But too much of it will turn you sober, and drown you in your own sorrow.

     “Get some sleep buddy.”

     Poe reaches to grab his shoulder and stands up straight. He helps Finn get on his feet, then quickly open the door for him. The young man should go back to his bed now. Poe should too, but he had way too many drinks to be able to want some sleep for himself. He’d possibly just going to lie down, close his eyes and pretend to rest ‘til the sun rises. Or at least until when he is called. Sooner or later, without any doubt, they are coming for Starkiller Base.

     “Thanks, man.” – Holding the player in his hands, Finn turns while he’s walking out the door. Poe doesn’t dare to let him sees his eyes.

     Maybe he shouldn’t do it.

     “… Goodnight, Finn.”

     Maybe he should just go to sleep then.

     He’s going to have cognitive enhancer before the mission anyway. What can a couple of drinks do any harm? Poe really has issues. But at least that way, he gets to ignore the feeling in his heart. It’s too close to turn into hot pain piercing through his chest.

     “You too, Poe.”

 

     Poe sits down at the table and pours another drink for himself. The taste of alcohol tries to tell him that it’s not tears rolling down his cheeks and burning his brown eyes. He wraps his fingers around the cup, yet he can’t seem to remember having guts to take one more sip of the rum.

     He can’t tell how much time has passed. It was uneasy at first, but then things don’t matter anymore. His head is crystal clear when he’s finally relaxed and doesn’t care about anything in his life. Letting his head rest on the table, Poe blankly looks at the wine in the cup, the way the glass turns the liquid into a confusing amalgamation of honey amber and olive green. It is just pure perfection. But there are lip stains on the rim of the cup and they ruin everything. Poe is truly angry and feels like he’s about to throw up. He tries to wipe them all away. Funny, how the glass makes his fingers looks like russet brown. The whole thing is so striking, yet suave and soothing at the same time. Poe finds himself smiling for some reason, when the glass is clean from any trace of Finn. It’s just like no one has ever touched it. It was Poe’s and Poe’s only.

     In the dim light, that was the last thing he could remember, the last image he saw, before slipping into his sweet dream. And Poe hasn’t realized the arrow to his heart and his mind.

     04:10. There isn’t much time left for him now.

     People will be calling for him. And the sun is about to rise.


	9. For Forever

     People usually think out there in space is complete darkness. It is far from dark, space is in fact full of light. You just can’t see it because there is nothing for the light to bounce off of, most of it doesn’t make its way to our eyes. But sometimes, when you’re at the right place right time, where the cosmic dust is thin, the sun isn’t washing out and from the urban areas, there isn’t any skyglow, space can be the canvas of trillions of stars, that stretches out as far as your eyes can see. They look like dots, the stars are crisper and don’t twinkle like the way you look at them from the ground. And then you have that one or two opportunities, when you can let your eyes adjust, you will start to notice some of them are pastel. There are all kinds of color reveal themselves since they’re not being filtered out by the atmosphere. It is just breathtaking, the way it feels like there was no corner of the universe that is not being occupied by stars and galaxies. Some of them are nearby, but most of them have to travel the distance of light years to reach your eyes. You‘re looking at the stars now, but you are also looking at them from the past.

     That’s all the reason why Poe loved flying. To melt into the endless “sky”, where time or anything else felt like meaningless to him.

     It was hard for the body thought. Especially when you had somebody sat on your thighs. Poe was a little bit nervous. The jump into hyperspace could be rough sometimes. He took a deep breath before submitting the coordinates to the navicomputer, and let it changed their field of vision drastically. They saw the world passed by through the blue tunnel in front of the aircraft for just a brief moment then dropped out. Poe gradually reduced their speed to go into stealth mode. Everything went quiet after that. He let the X-wing drifted the remained distance, for them to adjust, but mostly to enjoy the view.

     It was still gorgeous as he could remember. Poe looked out the canopy, and smirked when gazed into the boy’s brown eyes. He felt a little bit lightheaded. There was no atmosphere between them and space to filter out the radiation, the sun even shone brighter and burned hotter.

     “Don’t worry.” – Poe said, brushing his finger gently over the smudge of sunscreen on the knife-cut cheekbone. – “I’ve done this before.”

     Travelling through hyperspace wasn’t as simple and straight forward as star-fighting. Coordinate calculation was a dangerous task and it required precision. But Poe Dameron believed he would always be able to find a way home.

     The boy tried his best not to shy away, and ignored the fact that Poe just touched his skin. He was sitting on Poe’s legs. Why would that make things more awkward between them? They had done more intimate things. He tried and kept his eyes fix on Poe’s with calmness, but couldn’t help squinting a bit because of the light.

     “You brought people here with you?” – He asked.

     “No. I meant hyper-jumping…”

     The helmet visor couldn’t even hide the colors of his eyes. He tilted his head gently and Poe felt the slight shifting on his legs.

     “I know you can fly, Poe Dameron.”

     Those lips curved into a fine smile, so subtle that mesmerizing. Every feature of his was strong and defying, yet he couldn’t hide the softness in his expression, and especially his voice. Poe let his eyes wandered. He wished he had given the boy more sunscreen. He didn’t want sunlight to burn that pale skin.

     “It’s not easy for me to share things with other people, you know.”

     “Right…”

     Poe tried not to let out his sigh.

     “I mean it. I don’t share beautiful thing with anyone else…”

     The beeping sound cut through the silence before he could have a chance to reply. It reminded Poe to get ready for the descent. The boy broke their gaze and pretended to find that invisible boundary line out the window. They were near the edge of the atmosphere. Poe reached for the switch, and their bodies were getting closer in the tiny cockpit. He could handle their current speed with no trouble but slowed them down anyway. It’s like they were not even moving at all, just as the way he wanted to.

     “Do you trust me?” – Poe said.

     “You know I do.”

     The boy turned and answered him without any hesitation. He still didn’t look into his eyes. Poe was so glad, because then he could stare at the pink shade on those lovely cheeks for as long as he wished, the way its heat was burning on his own flushed skin.

     “I still don’t get why we have to go on your X-wing.” – His voice was smooth, despite the pulse throbbing hysterically.

     “What’s wrong it my X-wing?”

     Poe flashed out a careless grin, and watched the boy struggled.

     “Nothing. Just…” – He didn’t realize since when Poe started to look at him. – “ You know I love it. But it’s a standard T-65.”

     Poe blatantly let his arm rest on the boy’s thighs. He pulled the control stick between their legs for no necessary reason, forced the boy to close the distance that’s separating them, if there were even any.

     “So?”

     Poe’s dignity seemed wasn’t enough to tell him to hide his excited heartbeat.

     “There’s only one seat.”

     Nothing was matter. Poe just wanted to listen to the boy’s.

     The smile spread wider and wider on Poe’s face.

     “You need to sit on my lap for this anyway.”

     It’s just logic. Why wasting money for carrier tickets when he could get them here. It’s not the first time they flew in his X-wing this way. Poe could manage to borrow a tandem one but the view from the front in a cockpit was much better. And he really wanted them to enjoy the stars.

     The way the scenery changed as their ship descending was also nice to watch. Everything slowly faded away since the atmosphere scattered the light from space to paint the sky blue and color the clouds. A picture-perfect summer day was revealed around them. This was one of those rare places in the galaxy, where green was still hugging the land. It’s always beautiful but raining season was like heaven. Cool air in the day, mellow sunshine at noon, and long dark night, sharing hot bantha milk with chocolate foam when cold storm is howling outside through the jungle.

     They landed on the flank of a mountain. It was gently sloping and covered with trees. But there’s a narrow spot at the edge of the woods that’s flat enough for his X-wing. Poe shut down the engines. He gently touched the boy’s lower back. Then with a smile, Poe signed to him to get down.

     “We’re here.”

     It’s sure nice, sitting in the cockpit, but their legs could really use some stretches. Poe grabbed his bag and jumped off right after the boy.

     “Come on now. Follow me.”

     The trip wasn’t short at all. They used to do it like that but both of them were getting bigger now. Someday, they would grow up eventually, being too much for that tiny space. They couldn’t fly forever, no matter how badly he wanted to. Poe turned around to check on him. The way wasn't dangerous. But this was their first mountain climb.

     “Why do we land here?”

     Sunlight made his skin glow, defined every little hint of muscle of his body. The boy seemed stronger and bigger with just a casual white shirt on. It took Poe like ages ‘til the day he realized that things had changed. His voice was still smooth like velvet though. And the way he looked at him was still drawing every bit of attention from Poe.

     “I want to show you something.”

     “What?”

     “It’s a hidden forest.” – Poe answered him. But that was a lie.

     “That’s it?”

     “Yeah!”

     The heat from the sun was nice, but enough to tint his cheeks pink. As they were going up, winds blew stronger. They were playing with waves of silky raven hair, but couldn’t stop him from letting out a sigh.

     “Poe… This whole moon is covered with jungle.”

     “Yes. But this is beautiful and...”

     “What about stintaril?” – He stopped, and lightly grabbed Poe’s sleeve to call for him.

     Poe tittered, as he could still feel the patience laced into the shaky voice.

     “They’re not gonna be there, I promise you.”

     Poe let their fingers touched, before helping him climbing the rocky slope, then quickly looked away and kept walking. He was a decent liar but the boy was always a difficult one for him. Poe felt like he could lose his mind when it came to him. Poe tried to keep their distance. He didn’t want to ruin the surprise. But more than that, he didn’t want to be far away. The boy kept talking and Poe got more and more anxious. Thank god they were getting close.

     “Well every season here is mating season for rodent species. And those gnawing demons are very fast and vicious. They hunt woolamanders and whisper birds, and they come in packs and they’re always hungry, and they like to eat so I’m not entirely sure, Poe. Also they can spread diseases through… Are we there yet?”

     Poe hoped so.

     The way was getting slippery with wet grass and mud under their feet. It’s great to hear him talking this much but Poe really wanted him to focus on his breath more. He didn’t want anything happen the boy. Poe turned his head to tell him:

     “Ok. If they somehow show up, I’ll… Ahh!”

     “Poe!!!”

     The boy dashed through the air to try to catch him.

     Poe had lost his balance. Everything happened too quickly and before he could realize the fear burst in those brown eyes, Poe had slipped down to the edge of a cliff.

     “Poe!”

     There’s literally nothing for them to hold on to. Poe was hanging by one hand and it’s not even him who’s trying to keep himself from falling down this giant pit. His right hand was holding the backpack. The boy was gripping his left sleeve tight.

     “Poe, drop the pack!”

     He didn’t want to.

     “Hey! I need you to let go of me.”

     “What?”

     Poe couldn’t move, they were both going to fall.

     “You’ll be ok. I promise.”

     There’s no stintaril at this height. He thought so.

     “Of course I’ll be ok. You’re asking me to drop you down a cliff Poe!”

     The boy was lying flat down the grass, hopelessly praying for more friction digging his palm on the ground. His knuckles were all white. Poe could see in his panicked eyes, he was going to let go of his other hand for Poe.

     “It’s not a cliff…” – He thought he had recognized something.

     “Leave it! Take my hand, Poe!”

     The boy couldn’t even scream. His other hand was reaching out.

     “I’ll come back for you, trust me…”

     “No don’t!”

     “Please wait for me.” – Poe tried to smile, before letting go.

     “Poe!!!”

     When the voice screaming his name dropped down with him into the pit, Poe actually felt stupid for betting his life on a hunch. But he remembered it now, as his body fell then hit the water. He could still feel the familiar thrilling excitement from so many years ago, when he was caught into a swirl. Poe knew this place. He had been here with his father before. He hadn’t even been ten yet. And now he still heard Kes’ voice, telling him to let go of his fear and stop fighting.

_“Let the current guide your body! And your mind will tell you what you need to know.”_

     Everything stopped for a few second, when he was floating at the center of… whatever it was. Felt like he was flying. The water stripped away his senses along with his mind. There’s complete darkness and he couldn’t hear a sound. Then it pulled him out, into the rushing flow. It wasn’t long before Poe was drowning in the bright sunlight, and right after that fell down five meters into the water again.

     Poe opened his eyes and saw the web of light through the turquoise clear water. It sparkled all around him as he was swimming up to the surface, gasping for air. Poe was still clinging to his bag the whole time. The stream down here was calm, but enough to wash him up the shore. That was still exhausting, even when he had prepared for the fall. Poe took a deep breath. He put the strap on his shoulder and then relaxed. He probably would have killed himself if it had been lost. Poe had something very important inside the bag. Come to think of that, he should have put it on his body so he wouldn’t have to chase it down like a fool.

     Poe crawled up with his hands and feet, to rest on a spot where soft weed spread green instead of rocks and gravels. He closed his eyes, lied down on his side and hoped he didn’t get any water in his ears. All he could hear now is the constant splashing sound. The ringing wasn’t too bad so that’s a good sign. _Shit!_ Now he had to climb all the way up again. And he had to find a way fast.

     “Poe?”

     Poe thought he had imagined that voice echoing in his head. Only when a hand grabbed his shoulder to turn him around that he opened his eyes.

     The sun was shining on his face. It was pouring soft warmth all over their bodies. The boy appeared above him, soaking wet, with dripping water shimmering like glitter on his hair. He was panting, letting the air caressed his plump lips, and it felt like he was melting onto Poe. Water even almost dropped from his eyes.

     “Poe?”

_He’s… really here!_

     Did he just come right after him? Poe was barely done gathering himself together there. And now the boy was here already. His mind went numb with joy and happiness for a second.

     “Poe, look at me! Are you ok?”

     Poe was looking. Very closely. And he’s certainly ok because he heard his heart soaring like a moron when he felt the hands gently brushed on his cheeks, and his breath was brushing Poe’s cold skin. _Fuck!_ He swallowed down hard and made up something to say.

     The huge rainbow across the orchids valley only touched the cliff at high noon. This time of the year, their hands could even reach out for it. There’s no way he could show the boy on time now. They would have to come back after the next downpour.

     “Um… ok” – Poe sat up slowly and stared into his eyes – “So… I lied.”

     The boy stopped blinking, yet those lashes ware shaking like butterflies.

     “There’s this hidden pond and then the waterfall…”

     He covered his mouth.

     “I just wanted to scare you.”

      “You…”

_Ow…!_ Ok, this event was just a misfortune but he kind of deserved that.

     Poe hadn’t been punched by him since they were still kids. He really felt bad for the boy. That wasn’t hurt though. There wasn’t any strength left in him to punch Poe properly. But there was something in his eyes, Poe wasn’t sure if he had ever seen it there before.

     The boy collapsed onto him. He gathered everything he had left to get up and shout out.

     “I’d die if something happened to you, do you know that? You idiot!”

_He just said that?_ Poe couldn’t tell if he could trust his own ears now.

     “What…? You love it, don’t you…” – He said, his voice was toneless.

     “No I fucking don’t.”

     “You don’t?” – Poe didn’t care to know what exactly they were talking about.

     “No, Poe. I was loving it ‘til I wasn’t, jerk!”

     Poe knew he’s an idiot. And he sure could be an asshole sometimes. But he had never thought he was this much of an idiot.

     “I still have a lot of surprises for you, you know.”

     “That’s not the point. What were you thinking?”

     “I don’t know.” – Poe must be crazy.

     “Don’t ever do that again!”

     But it felt so right. – “Sorry. I scared you.”

     “God! I hate you…”

     … Or maybe there was just something wrong with his weird heart. It’s sinking now.

     “You know, a little dishonesty wouldn’t kill anybody. Can you just…”

     “I just did. Poe.”

_… Oh, fuck me!_

     He’s in big trouble now. A strong 80kg-of-perfection and moody, and shy, and beautiful kind of painful heartache. What kinds of stupid crazy thing he would do for this little feeling in his heart then? _Maybe I hit my head._ Could he be dreaming or something? Perhaps he just imagined the whole thing. How the hell would he know…

     “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have punched you. Are you hurt?”

_Yes. But no._ Poe wanted medical exam.

     “Hey! Do you want to kiss?”

     Why did your brain always screw you when you needed it the most?

     The boy stared at him, like he really was going to cry now. His face turned white. And a simple movement like drawing a breath could burst his heart into a million pieces and he would die. Poe could hear they were both screaming inside.

_Argh! Stop it._ Poe gulped down his breath, before another stupid thing could come out of his mouth.

     “… What?”

     His face went blank, his voice was flat. Poe could taste his own soul on his tongue. _Please! Just stop now!_

     “Would you like to kiss me?”

_No! That’s not how you do it!_

     Why did he do that? Why did he want to kill himself so badly? Why did Poe just have to ask him again nicely?

_Oh he is turning red now. Is he mad?_

     Okay his soul could leave, or his heart, anything could abandon him, but Poe really needed his head to come up with something. Anything but “he looks so fresh like sunshine with short hair and wet white shirt”. Honestly a blip would be fine.

     “Is that…?”

_Please don’t throw up!_

     “Is that everything you got out of this conversation?”

     The boy bit his lips and looked away. Maybe that’s one of many good things Poe needed because those eyes were frying his mind. The boy quietly tried to get some air into his lungs. The sun colored his flushed skin with more red.

_His lips are swollen like honeyed strawberry…_

_Ok no!_ Poe slightly shied away to lick his dry lips and shoveled anything he could huff down his throat. This was seriously not the way to do whatever he was trying to do.

     “Let’s just go home.” – The boy glanced at Poe then immediately hid his face again.

     Poe really wished if his heart could just stop banging and spreading the heat further down his chest. He managed some courage out of thin air to ask:

     “Do you want to go to the tree?”

     The boy grabbed his own shoulder, tried to hide his body under the see through wet shirt.

     “I’m hungry.”

     “I brought you food.”

_Calm down now, you’re getting it! Be nice, behave yourself._ _You are doing fine._

     Poe took off his drenched jacket to put it on him. He just ignored the hand reaching out for it and got closer. His eyes kept fixing on the water travelling down the elegant neck, to pass the collarbone and reach further. He couldn’t help but took a glimpse.

     “Is that why you didn’t take my hand?”

     “No!!”

     Poe really hoped he didn’t yell that out. He knew he shouldn’t look. He swore he tried. But Poe was just thinking maybe he could do something more because the boy could be cold.

     “You keep forgetting to eat. I always got to make sure there’s enough food for you.”

     The boy turned and Poe finally got a chance to look into his eyes again.

     “Yeah. And now we have to climb up there and get your X-wing.”

     Poe saw something was sparkling like a ruffled pond. They both didn’t realize how close they were. His breath was warm on the satin skin. And Poe could feel him too.

     The boy gently pushed him away to stand up. Something stirred inside Poe when he looked at him walked away. He just stayed there on his knee for a while, to get used to the way his heart was dancing. The boy turned and kept walking backwards with a smile softly curved up on his lips. He was glowing under the sun. It’s hypnotizing.

     Poe still didn’t know what to do now with his heart, when an idea suddenly came to his mind. The boy was calling for him.

     “Are you coming?”


	10. For Ever and Ever

     They didn’t get the chance to see a night sky full of stars here. If it’s not because of the storms, the twilight night would still flood this place with pastel glow. The sight sure could be nice to see. It’s just sometimes Poe became fed up with too much light, too much sound. He craved for a true dark night, like where they’re currently living, with dim moonlight, and streaks of galaxies were visible for their naked eyes. This place felt like it never rest. The sky here was always busy, even when the red giant was spilling orange over the sunset like right now.

     “It’s getting late. We should go back, Poe.”

     His voice was soft like an instrument, mingled with the wind, the fluttering leaves, the singing creatures, playing a familiar melody in Poe’s hazy mind.

     Poe gazed upon the sky, and wondered if the boy ever felt the same… It was some moments like these that made him miss this place. They were living in his childhood memories. There was a storm coming tonight. Summer storms here always brought good feelings. Soon everyone would hide in the warmth of their own shelters. No soul would ruffle their night.

     “You want to see rainbow storm tomorrow?” – He leaned back, and enjoyed the feel of chilling breeze on his damp skin.

     “I was talking about leaving…”

     “If we hang our clothes by the fireplace, they will all dry in the morning.”

     “… You don’t want to go back?”

     He didn’t sound like he needed an answer. Poe would love to stay with him like they used to, more than ever, more than anything. When was the last time they actually did something crazy? When was the last time they truly got to be together?

     He could remember that vividly, only the two of them, night after long night, lying side by side, waiting for it to come. When the cold air formed ice crystal up in the atmosphere. And when the sun poked around the limb of the gas giant, the light would dance and crackle by millions of prisms. It only last for a few minutes before everything was lit up. You wouldn’t have the chance to see sparkling showers of rainbows in blurry dawn that often anywhere else in the galaxy.

     Even if the day was too exhausted for that, they still had the whole long night for themselves. Poe was imagining things already. The sound of it alone by now was so much temptation for his tired body. He turned his head, and managed to get his best puppy face out.

     “I mean, do we have to leave so soon? The way wasn’t that long but we haven’t been here for ages…” – He couldn’t waste a chance like this. – “Beside I haven’t thought about where to stay when we get back there.”

     “Why do you need to think about where to stay?”

     Poe lied down on the grass, to hide from those brown eyes. He didn’t know what to say. He did plan to do something special for the boy. But Poe must confess, that there was more than one reason why he had crossed space, only to bring them here. He struggled to get the truth out.

     “Yeah… I don’t… have a place.”

     Things happened, and it had been complicated for him.

     The boy looked over his shoulder, and asked. – “What do you mean you don’t have a place to stay?”

     God, Poe hated it whenever he fucked things up. _It’s always the first respond._ It’s always the concern in his voice that made Poe felt ashamed.

     “Well, I’m supposed to leave the dorm today. I know I can stay with you and…”

     “Why? What happened at your dorm?”

     “No. Nothing…”

     It didn’t take a genius to tell Poe was lying. Perhaps the boy had even sensed it to some extent, the way he was keeping his eyes on Poe. He always knew, but he never pushed Poe to do anything. Well… except maybe driving him out of his mind. Poe just really didn’t want to ruin their precious time together running into all the people they knew. He didn’t want to think about it. And Poe certainly didn’t want him to know. But someone would always been digging, asking questions, making it awkward and ruin everything. Poe wished if somehow he could hide them away from that whole planet for forever.

     “You planned to take me all the way here, but haven’t thought about how you’re going to get through the night?”

     Would that be so bad if they left everything behind?

     “I was thinking… maybe we can stay here until you go.”

     He didn’t reply, and just let Poe watched him quietly. Poe hoped time could stop, for him to delay the reality.

     “What about… you and Allena?”

_So, he knew, didn’t he?_ The boy would never mention that girl for no reason. Yeah… Of course he knew. Poe stared blankly at the dying sun in the red sky, waiting for the inevitable thing to come.

     Some part of him still didn’t want to be the first one to talk.  – “What about me and Allena?”

     “Aren’t you two… with each other?”

     “No.”

     That’s probably the most complicated part of it. Poe couldn’t deny it, he was more than feeling upset, hearing that name from the boy.

     “How did you…”

     “We bumped into each other, last time I went home.”

_Ahh!_ Poe really didn’t expect him to know that soon. _Why didn’t he say anything?_

     “What did you say to her?”

     “Nothing. She just said hi then kept talking. She told me, she’d like to inform that you guys were seeing each other because she thought we were friends. But then she said she’d never heard you mentioning me before.”

     “Really?”

     It could have make thing less ugly and confusing if only he had a pinch of feeling toward her. _Goddamnit!_ He should have clean up his mess. Poe couldn’t tell if the boy had realized it, that he had been chased down by that girl. There’s no reason for them to talk, or to know each other. She was his classmate and Poe didn’t even introduce them. He would never, in a million year. They had only gone to the same party once. The boy had stayed with Poe all night. That time, she hadn’t even cared to take her eyes off them.

     “I’m not surprise. You’ve never introduced me to your friends anyway.”

     “We are not together.” – _Trust me._

     The boy tilted his head, like he wished to know something but hesitated to face Poe. _Please don’t! Don’t be like that. Don’t slip away from me, please…_ If he could just read Poe’s mind… He was sitting right here, right next to Poe.

_Fuck!_ How could he blame anyone in his life? Poe understood it, seeing the way those long lashes fluttering in the wind, every time he glanced down, hiding, not letting anyone see into his beautiful eyes, the way his lips parted…

     Allena had a crush on him, not Poe.

     “But you did have feelings for her, right?”

     “No.”

     “You didn’t?”

     “No… Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever liked her.”

     Poe couldn’t tell, if something was really there, the melancholy or anger in his voice.

     “Then why did you sleep up with her?”

     Poe couldn’t tell, if that was a bitter end, or somehow a hope for him.

     “You did know.”

     “She told me.”

     It was right after the party, right after they got home. Poe had kissed his cheek, said goodnight to him before he closed the door. Poe was about to leave, when he saw her approached his house, the boy’s house. She must have followed them. Poe could blame the whole thing on the alcohol but he knew that’s not the reason. He didn’t know what he was doing. He was burned up, when he stopped her from coming any closer. She tried to pass the gate, Poe got in front of her and stared into her face. They didn’t say a word to each other. She glared back at him, and in one moment of confusion, she just pulled him away.

     Until now, Poe didn’t even understand exactly what had come to his mind.

     “I don’t know why… I’m sorry.”

     “What for?”

     “… I don’t know.”

_For hiding? For slept with her? For not letting her come near you?_ After all of that, if he had wasted a few weeks, or days pretending to be her boyfriend, maybe she would have let them be. She was the popular one and she had her eyes on the boy. Poe had thought he was jealous of him, but maybe he’d been jealous of the girl.

     “Sometimes I just do things. But sometimes, I don’t do things that I really want to do. Sometimes I really want to do thing that doesn’t make sense.”

     “That sounds like you.”

     The boy leaned back, and his white shirt touched the ground. Poe slowly reached out, as quiet as he could. He let his fingers gently played with the fabric, to the rhythm of those ideas were dancing in his mind. Was he bothered because of what Poe did? Was he jealous at all? _If I ended up with someone else, would you care…?_

     “I want to do a lot of things that don’t make sense.”

     “Like what?” – The boy chuckled.

     “I don’t know.”

_Staying for the storm. Enjoying fresh bread, hot milk. Picking fruits early in the morning. Burning fire through the dark night. Sharing rum and warming cold flesh. Then wake up doing those same things again ‘til I grow old._

     “God! I’m such an idiot!”

     “I didn’t say that. I didn’t say things always make sense.”

     The warm light of sunset poured a sultry coat on his skin. If he could know it, then maybe, he would feel it, the way Poe’s hearts was beating, the way it made Poe do crazy things. _Can you read my mind?_

     “Yeah?” – Poe reached up and pulled him down next to him. – “Or perhaps I know why, I know what I want. I just don’t have enough courage to do what I want to do.”

     Poe smiled with his anxiousness, yet he felt like sunshine could burst out of his beating heart. The boy was facing him. He raised his eyebrows, his lips curved like asking what was going on in Poe’s funny mind.

     “Perhaps you could ask the tree. It might listen to you.”

     He sounded like an innocent kid.

     “Really? The tree? Is that even a thing?”

     Poe giggled, and took in the image of the boy returning with his shy laughter. He bit his honeyed strawberry lips.

     “This is the Force sensitive tree after all. Who knows…”

     That deep mellow tone sure fucked him up. Poe didn’t know how long you were supposed to gaze into somebody’s eyes, before things got out of hand. He closed his eyes, only because the smile was starting to fade on his lips, and those brown eyes are gently luring him into having ideas. Poe shouldn’t be having any more ideas, especially when he was a moron, and for certain acted like one. He just thought he could have hopes. But maybe Poe shouldn’t push too hard or too sudden, despite how lovely that might be to watch him with his flushed skin.

     Poe took a deep breath as if he was about to dive into the water. He didn’t sure why, just felt like he needed to. Counting his own heartbeat made it seemed like time was slowing down somehow. Poe heard the wind was touching the grass before everything was complete silence. Felt like he was flying. The air on his skin, the tingling in his spine, in his messy hair. Something was reaching out for him… Or he was reaching out for someone.

_Please tell me I didn’t fall asleep!_ Poe opened his eyes to see the boy was looking at him. Was he watching the whole time? How long that even was? Poe couldn’t quite make out the expression on his face. That longing, tenderness in the air… Or did his brain just left him again? Poe was lost in bewilderment. They were lost in each other’s eyes.

     Poe heard his own voice clear like hard crystal – “You still haven’t answered me though…”

     “Answer what?”

     “Would you like to kiss me?”

     Poe was no doubt left mindless in this mess of a wishful sunset.

     “But you kiss me every time we meet.”

     Poe sat up, and propped on top of him.

     “That’s not what I am talking about.”

     His face turned red. He was nervous. They both were. The boy tried not to bit his lips, because he didn’t want Poe to think that was a signal.

     “Why?”

     The way those lips parted, the way they struggled to let out the sound, was it Poe or was it really so inviting?

     “Why not?”

     “Allena made it seem awful.”

     … Poe didn’t know how to reply to that, or what to think, hearing that name again in a situation like now. He realized he was staring. Poe had to admit he was terrified, thinking for a second, she might have made a move on him.

     “What do you mean?”

_Did she touch you?_

     “She made it sounded like having a slug in your mouth. Why would anyone want a slug in their mouth?”

     The boy turned away, revealed the heat was crawling down his chest. Poe tried to deny, that he was dying to taste his skin.

     “But it doesn’t always have to be that way.”

     He didn’t say anything, or move a muscle, like he was waiting to melt away. Poe was so close to trace his fingers along the sharp jawline. He had to somehow hide away from the tempting neck. Poe tried to calm down, before touching his chin, guiding the boy to look at him instead of watching grass grow. But then Poe could tell that was even worse. Poe somehow was losing his mind even faster.

     “Why?”- His pupils dilated. – “You haven’t kissed anyone before?”

     “Of course I have.” – The boy whispered.

     For someone who could see through lies, he was such a bad liar.

     Poe couldn’t help teasing. He leaned in slowly, then stopped when they were barely inches away. The boy closed his eyes, he clenched his jaws, wishing the ground would just swallow him whole. Poe smirked and propped himself up again. He gently ran his hand through the silky hair. Eventually, the boy looked at him again. They were still just one blink away.

     He seemed calm enough and wasn’t so tense anymore. But his heart was still beating fast, just the way Poe’s was. Poe let their foreheads touched. Then their noses brushed against each other. He laid a kiss down his cheek, and whispered into his ear.

     “I promise… I’m not going to hurt you.”

     Their breath soothed the other’s skin in a steady rhythm. Poe stopped combing his hair. He slid his hand far away, to leave the boy a way out. It’s his way to comfort him, tell him there’s no reason to be terrified, that he could trust Poe with everything.

     Poe didn’t care how long it would take. He was so close to Poe. There’s no turning back now. He could wait for forever like this. That moment would come. He knew it. Poe could feel it was here, the way he felt his shirt was being touched, when it was wrinkled in the boy’s hand. They were immersed deep, sunken, somehow, when he pressed their lips together.

     Their mouths didn’t even part but Poe swore he could taste him in every bit of his, body and mind. They were carried away. It was fresh, and soft, like water, so much that it made his whole went still. The way it was all around him, the way it lasted like time had stopped, the way it suddenly changed when he felt those fingertips on his waist, like that sensation when he felt into the pond. Poe gently brushed his cheek, let the heat from his ear, his neck spread to his own longing hand. It was pure and sweet like sunlight in the air, and like breathing the air, so much that it made him wonder, without it, how he had lived this whole time.

     Poe trembled by his growing desire. To cup his face, to deepen the kiss, to close their gap and melt into him. But he couldn’t rush, he had to be deserved. Poe couldn’t do this to him, when he wasn’t strong enough to confess his feeling.

     It almost broke his heart when Poe realized it’s time to part, when the boy moved his lips like they were about to open. To tell him to stop, or to lure him into doing what he would have to sorry for. Poe had to end their kiss, before finding out which one it was.

_Breathe!_ He had to gather himself together quietly. Keeping his arm straight, Poe barely had the strength to get up from him.

     “See? Everything is fine…”

     Really! It was so fine, like the way he was in his arms, like how his fingers lingered on the pink cheek, the way he kept his gaze fixed only on Poe, with that innocent daze and confusion between them. Even when he couldn’t have what he yearned for, Poe knew he would be fine, because they were here. They were in each other’s eyes. And it would be enough. Poe could do anything, just to be an image, a thought passing through his mind.

     “I got something for you.”

     Be together, he just needed them to be together…

     “Is that…”

_This is it._

     “Poe!”

     This was the moment Poe had prepared for. Felt like he was holding his heart in his hand.

     “You like it?”

     “I… I don…”

_You don’t want it?_

     “I don’t know what to think… It’s so beautiful. Poe.”

     It started to sound like music and harmony in his head.

     “I know you’re not supposed to have it, and I probably shouldn’t do this for you…”

     “Yeah! They would definitely kill me if I…”

     “Then it will be our little secret.”

     “Poe…”

_It is just a kyber crystal. It is just a shiny rock. It doesn’t mean anything…  Please don’t say no to me!_

     “I mean if you say no, I would feel like a real idiot.”

     “No, no. I love it.”

     “Really?”

     “Are you kidding… How did you even get it Poe?”

     “Don’t ask. I don’t even want to think about it right now. I did a lot of stupid things but I would go through all that trouble again to get it for you. Believe me, I would… ”

     “I can’t believe someone would do this for me.”

_I will do anything for you._

     “I don’t know what to say.”

     “You don’t have to say anything. It doesn’t have to be it then. That’s not a kyber crystal, just a piece of useless stone what I’m giving you.”

     “Right! No. I’m…”

     It felt like falling when he pulled Poe down in his tight embrace. He held their hands on his chest. And it spread something so powerful right to Poe’s mind. Lying with him on the grass, Poe was hearing his heartbeat, his voice vibrating through his body. It sang a melody for Poe, a song for the awakening. And it was more than spellbinding.

     “This means the world to me!”

_You are the world to me._

     When they were living in their dream, life was always so poetic and beautiful…

     It was just a kiss faintly put on the corner of his lips, but Poe knew he had lost control.

_… No!_

     Everything disappeared into thin air. He was left with nothing but his own temptation.

     Poe wanted to take his neck, he wanted to crush their lips together, a million time more. Poe was fantasizing about touching his skin, stripping them down. A little pain would open his jaws, and Poe could part his lips, suck them until they were swollen, lick his way into the wet mouth. He wanted to love harder. Poe wanted to push him down.

_Do it._

_What…_

_Do it._

_It’s alive._ The voice from the stone. It was calling.

_Finish it._

_Poe, wake up…_

_Help me! Please, help me!_

     The taste, the scent, the whining sound… All hell was broke loose for him. Eyes darkened with lust, he panted as frustration was spinning, and air was burning his throat.

     Poe could sense the lighting struck, waves and waves of shock, that electricity creeping through his nerves. Something was touching him. He was holding a living fire in his hand. Poe heard the red crackling.

_Do it. Get to the verge. End this torment now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I'm addicted to "just" and other filler words.


	11. Presences from Previous Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren knows Rey, because she was Ben's enemy. And bad things in Ben's life happened around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you love Rey, then perhaps skip this chapter or take it easy. Everything will be explained in the next chapters.

_Grandfather…_

_I feel it again. The pull to the light._

_The Supreme Leader senses it._

_Show me the power of the Dark! Please. Give me the strength…_

 

Kylo Ren has trouble sleeping recently. He could not rest. He has been having dreams, every time he closes his eyes. And it is exhausting. Good or bad, they are all nightmares to him. Last night was a terrifying one. He dreamed he was trying to hold ice, too much that it started to burn. It was worse than all the previous ones he had. But Ren prefers it like that. Bad dreams don’t give you hope and delusional thoughts. The urge to fight back will always snap you back to reality. Good dreams are the real danger. Because it is nothing more than an illusion, a brief moment of happiness, before they have to wake up, to face the next tragedy.

_Pathetic._

This is not the time for stargazing and childish fantasy. Not now, nor ever, for somebody like him. The end is starting to chase Ren down, when there are still so many things to be done. He can feel it. The ghosts from the past are coming back to haunt him. One of them is being chained behind this door. It’s sleeping. And it will devour what’s left of Kylo Ren’s broken soul.

He floats into the room, like a moth seeking death, as if he is turning into a ghost himself.

_Still trying to keep that look, don’t you… You afraid no one would recognize you?_

The girl they’ve all been talking so much about. How long it was, the last time he saw her? Standing a few feet away, Ren simply can’t convince himself to believe his own eyes. That light again, the dull humming noise, the same irritating glowing skin. He shouldn’t be dealing with this kind of emotion right now. Excitement, anger, or fear, he can’t tell. Even when she was nothing but a scavenger, she still can make his life miserable, drown him in agony, the way she used to did a lifetime ago.

In space, time feels so different. Minutes, hours, seconds. Nothing is urgent. Nothing really matters anymore. Kylo Ren can think of nothing other than standing there, watching her being tied down, like that Resistance scum. He should have look for the map already. But what’s the fun in that? What’s the fun defeating your enemy, when it’s just a twenty-year-old little girl, who’s not even awake to fight back and defend herself? Kylo Ren would crush her in their fight. He doesn’t need his full strength. He can’t get to his full strength. But it is not important. This must be too easy, when she is unconscious, right?

_Keep telling yourself that. You might somehow believe it to be true._

Ren knows he is afraid. He still needs the map though, some information, maybe a simple distraction would be find. Hux is right on his heel. After the Resistance pilot, he doesn’t have much of a choice. Frankly, has he ever… The Order has detected the reconnaissance ship. There’s no doubt they could destroy the whole Ileenium system in order to track down the base if Kylo Ren doesn’t have it soon. Snoke would crush them down once and for all. Ren wants the map, now is the perfect time to get it. What is he even waiting for?

Lately, life is just somehow more unreal to him than his blurry dreams. Perhaps any minute now, he would wake up, find himself had passed out somewhere, again, with pills and incense sticks scattered on the floor. Is this really her? The chaotic in his empty mind. Is this going to be a sweet dream, or another nightmare?

In Starkiller Base, there’s a countless amount of interrogation rooms and chairs. But he wanted it to be this same fucking one, for her. For them. Dramatic flair has always been his thing, they said. He wasn’t the one that captured them. They did this to themselves. They all force him to do the unspeakable, and then they just don’t leave him be. Why could they blame him, if he is just dying to choke them, dreaming about kill them?

_You poor fool._

Ironic how all he wishes right now is to walk away. Yet Kylo Ren steps closer to his prisoner. He can’t stand it anymore. It’s getting harder to breath under the mask. And he is clinging to it, being desperate for some protection against this girl. He doesn’t want to look at her anymore. This image is burning those old wounds inside him. Rey. She has grown up now. She looks so peaceful in her sleep. Ren wonders if she has ever had dreams, visions, or memories. That softness on her face. Those perfect features, sun-kissed skin without a flaw, big brown dove eyes, so sweet and innocent. People must really love her. People would do the impossible to save her. They all want to protect her. She even has the affection from Han Solo. _He would never leave her behind._ That could have been him somehow. Ben used to be innocent like that. At least, he hopes so. Ren isn’t sure. From the beginning, Ben was never loved. He had never had peace.

But let’s be honest, how could they or anybody else love someone like him. He couldn’t love himself. Why would anyone in this universe? He was dangerous. Nobody loved a child with the potential power and darkness in his heart. Then in some twisted fate, Kylo Ren can’t believe he gave his life away, all the little things he fought to get, for this girl. He was left with nothing but a creature in a mask in everyone’s eyes. And after all of that, she still wants to kill him. How cheap it is, his human soul. How much is she going to take away from him, how much does he have to give up, simply because of the way he was born? God! Ren just wants to crush her skull and watch her die screaming.

_He loves you so much. He loves you more than anything else in this world. I can’t imagine his face when I tell him I let your blood wash over my hands. It will break his heart. It will crush his soul._

It should be fun, torturing her, ‘til she shatters and gives up. For all the things they did, all the suffering he has been through. Dying is too easy. Anyone can die. Perhaps he should take her away from them, take away their precious little hope. Teach her the way of the Force, turn her into his ally. She’s strong with the Force. She is still raw. But she is stronger than they can imagine, stronger than she knows. That power is resting inside her. He can corrupt her. Push her to the dark side.

_Do it._

_God damn them all!_

Ren tries so hard, to ignore the pain clawing in his stomach. _Remember, what he did to you…_ That heat in his nose, the burn behind his twitching eyelids, he can’t tell what is going on around him. He is drowning in this same old poison. How can he forget what they all did to him! Han Solo abandoned him. Ben was his child and he left him behind. Yet he thinks of this girl as the child of his own, a child he could have had, instead of that sick and foolish son. And then there was him... Oh! Their adorable little girl… That phony vulnerability is just screaming pureness and the light in everyone’s face. Ren couldn’t imagine how perfect it is, when another child of Han Solo turns to the dark side. What a sweet revenge! What a devastation for people in his smuggling life wandering across this fucking galaxy…

_Do it._

He knows he can do it. He can take whatever he wants. More than anything, he will do whatever it takes to finish this, to have a chance to walk away from Ben Solo. But what in the world is he afraid of? _Get it over with!_ He doesn’t want anything to do with her, or them any longer. Just do what he got to do, then turn on the light saber. Corrupt her, or kill her, it doesn’t make any difference. Either way, Ren would have what he’s longing for. Some moment of satisfaction, crying with enjoyment until it chokes his aching mind. Things won’t change, no matter what he chose. Life will go on for Kylo Ren, like the toxic pouring down his throat, before it reaches his brain. Nobody can stop it now. Nobody can protect her here. It’s him who is hesitated. Perhaps it’s him who truly doesn’t have the courage to take his revenge.

_Finish it._

_No… Han Solo means nothing. He means nothing to Kylo Ren._

Ren doesn’t need vengeance. Han is dead in his eyes. They all are. Along with his past life. Kylo Ren buried them all, the moment he was pushed to the dark side. He will not dig them up one more fucking time. He will do nothing because of them. Ren swore he would not shed one drop of tears for any of those betrayers.

Forget about them. The girl can’t die. _Yes!_ Kylo Ren has plan for her. Push her to Snoke. Maybe, he will let Ren go. She is powerful. She can’t be harmed. Worse fates than dead are waiting. For him. Keep holding on. Because they will not cry for him when he is done.

_Murderers. Thieves. Traitors!_

Perhaps it is too late, for him to play the strong. Just look at him, look at the way he freezes in front of her. His whole body is shaking. He is hiding behind layer and layers of skin. And they are falling apart because of his misery. She killed Ben Solo. They turned their backs away from him because of her. She took everything from him. Why is she so lonely? The fear in her mind, the desire to leave everything behind, but too afraid to do so, the desperation to sleep at night. Why is she so much like him?

_Wake up. She doesn’t remember... You are nothing like her._

Someone like her doesn’t want a monster’s sympathy. She doesn’t need or deserve the compassion from Kylo Ren. She is dangerous. She is stronger than him. Snoke would turn her against him, whispering into her ears, telling her to do all the things Ren can’t. He would force them to fight, to kill each other. Even if Ren loses, if he dies right now, Snoke won’t concern. The Supreme Leader will kill him anyway, after he’s done using Kylo Ren. He serves his purpose, or brings Snoke the better apprentice, there’s no way he can be free. He and this girl, they were born to fight the other. And there’s always only one spot for the strongest. Light or dark, there is nowhere in this galaxy big enough for both of them.

_You are week. Useless. Fool._

Ren should have killed her…

He can’t. He wants to, so bad he starts losing his mind. Ren thinks so. Perhaps it’s true, maybe he just enjoy being evil. He’s a monster. This girl. They’re both trying to survive… Maybe payback has nothing to do with what he desires. He just needs to destroy her. That’s what he truly is.

_Make up your goddamn mind!_

Every thought is like a dagger to his head. What is going on? Why is he kept being drawn to this soul sucker? He doesn’t know where to go. He doesn’t know what he wants. Ren knows what he should do. But he doesn’t know if he has strength to do what has to be done. He has thought he wants nothing more than to leave them all behind. Why does this don’t give him peace? Why do they keep finding him? Ren envies her, or anyone who forgot about what happened. Why does the past just won’t let him go? Why does it still haunt him day and night?

_“Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”_

_Stop it!_

Ren pulls back into the dark, to see himself being washed away, beaten by waves after waves. He is drowning. Standing becomes a struggle for the body. His heart races and flutters like a caged bird from that familiar feeling.

_Not you…_

_The ghosts are coming for you._

Oh they will come. Even him. Han Solo. He knew it from a long time ago. The day he has given up running away from, it will be here eventually. And Kylo Ren has been waiting for it. The voices had whispered their future to Ben.

The burden on his shoulders, the pain bursting out of his chest, breaking his scarred skin. Pain is good. Pain is familiar. Pain is known. Kylo Ren will meet his fate. _It’s just us now._ The light, the dark, nothing can hide you. Nobody can save your soul. The past, they all can’t wait for their turn to tear him apart piece by piece.

_Get to the verge. End this torment now._

He burned down his whole world for an escape ten years ago. He chose the wrong path to walk. Ben. Kylo. They have it coming. You know what will happen when one of you crosses the line.

Pay attention. You are not the victim of this story. You are the traitor. You are the murderer.

“Ben!”

_Shut up._

“Come home, Ben.”

_Get out of my head! All of you._

“Take off your mask. You don’t need it, Ben.”

_He’s gone now. He’s dead a long time ago._

“Ben Solo.”

_Stop calling me that. Stop calling for me._

Ren clutches his chest, like he is trying to break his own ribs into pieces. His legs are giving up. In his blinded vision, the whole world is spinning. He is completely drained. Ren can feel the Force tightening around his neck, the way he chokes the normal people in his life. Something is here. It’s getting stronger. It’s consuming his strength. What is this? It’s growing like a dangerous beast. It is gnawing his heart. He is losing control. Fear is breaking all the walls and chains, roaring through the air. It is awakening. Somebody is screaming.

_They are coming. Find them. Kill them all._

_No! Grandfather, help me…!_

There’s no light left for Kylo Ren. Karma is always fair and merciless. Even a miracle can’t save him. And who will bless him a miracle now?

_You know what to do…_

It’s too late. He can’t go back.

The ringing explodes in his head. Ren thought he had peace for a moment, somehow, feeling his existence is pouring out, knowing that he is alone. He must be dead. Because he is not hearing a thing. The voices are gone, like they are all watching him drowning in the sound of death. He can’t even hear his own thoughts. Nothing. The whole universe is empty, only him, and this growing black hole.

_You._

The sound of metal clanging is like thunder to his ears. Kylo Ren raises his head when he realizes life has been shoved down his throat. He can sense it clearly. He sees something now.

 “Where am I?”

_Dying is too easy. Anyone can die._

“You’re my guest.” –  _Worse fate than death is waiting._

**Author's Note:**

> It will get better, I promise. T_T


End file.
